


Fix You

by ohsenpai



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 08:21:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13244298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsenpai/pseuds/ohsenpai
Summary: It has been 2 years since Sehun and Luhan signed the divorce papers. But, it feels like as if the universe conspires them to cross each other's path again and again.





	Fix You

**Sehun**

Do you know what's best about Yonsei Severance Hospital? The doctors. Obviously. But if you ask me, I won't give you that answer. Because for me, their grilled salmon is. Better than the doctors, you can't beat that one.

I beam at the old lady behind the counter, "thank you, ahjumma" she laughs amusedly, waving her hand off. "Aigoo, you'll never get bored with this one, huh? You should look up at your face whenever they're on the menu" I laugh after her. Honestly, I can't deny that. They taste like heaven, more than Conrad Seoul has to offer when I got a seminar to attend there.

"I'm afraid I have nothing to say about that" I wink at her which she responses with a shake of head. She used to tease me to marry her only child, a law student in Korea University, back when I was an intern. Then later on she knew I was chasing after her favorite pudding patron every lunch, a young male intern in dentistry, I thought she would reward me with ceaseless lecture about how a man shouldn't love a man, after all Korea isn't too welcome with the idea of same gender relationship, furthermore the elder generation who tend to be conservative, but she didn't. Instead, she looked so thrilled when I gave her our wedding invitation. Over the years, she feels like a mother to me.

"Oh Sehun!" I twirl around to find Jongdae waves at me from across the cafeteria. There's no need to confirm the whole attention is on us. He can't be stopped. I greet him with a rise of hand before bringing my tray to a vacant table.

"Yo! What's up with that ugly glowing face?" I hope God will understand my reason to kill Jongdae right now. How come it's not when he nearly chokes me to death with his abrupt shoves on my shoulder? God still loves me, the kimchi only falls back to the plate, if not, this will be a dumb way to die, definitely not cool for Korea's top cardiologist. I send him a glare, only to be disregarded by him as he takes the Yakult from my tray without guilty. This fucker. Does he ever think I have something better to do rather than replying to his stupid question? Doubt that. I pick back the cabbage to plop it into my mouth.

"Have you checked the last case I refer to you?" Now that is a question. "Done. We scheduled the operation next week" I plop another piece, chewing obnoxiously just to annoy him. "Ah, you annoying shit. Do you even consider me as a friend? Can we talk casually like a man to man?" I don't know why the last part sounds so gay to me. But I am. So is he.

Kim Jongdae was the high school infamous pervert. Though he never did anything to the girls, he just had an abundance of porn and playboy magazines stashed somewhere inside his room. Probably the major reason why he took obgyn in the first place. Yet it fires back at him, the more he knows, the more he scared. I don't know exactly what he scared for, nonetheless it serves him right. A miracle it was for him to obtain his degree with millions damaged brain cell as his, caused by the porn. Until now, minus the straight sex. He amazes me, but I won't admit that out loud.

"See? You're doing it again!" He slams the empty bottle on the table. Not surprising enough to disrupt me from finishing the kimchi. I know Kim Jongdae. This prick must be thinking of some dirty trick. He won't back down easily without a nasty comeback. Hell, he'll do anything to get what he wants. Like blackmailing to upload video of me and my husband in the ER on pornhub, if I don't pay his pork belly grills for a week in consecutive. Jongdae and his damn stomach can't be satisfied, really. I swear whoever knowing about our situation in that moment would deem it's perfectly understandable. Because who the fuck have a heart to give me graveyard shift three days after our honeymoon? We were just two nerds whose life far from sexually active and the sex... it's just mind blowing. I think I can't get enough of him.

Jongdae clears his throat, more like faking it, and fails miserably as he chokes on his own saliva. I hide my smile behind the orange juice bottle.

"Anyway," his face still grimaces, "I referred a gingivectomy case to Luhan. He seems so surprised, well I saw him yesterday-"

Luhan?

I don't realize I say it out loud, until I see Jongdae's shocked face at my sudden outburst. "Don't tell me you don't know about this" no shit, Sherlock. When? Why? How...

Cluster of questions and possibilities swarmed inside my head. Since when? Why he didn't tell me? How come I don't know? Even I feel stupid just thinking about it. "I don't know" my mouth unconsciously says.

"I thought," he's gesturing towards my face, "that's an after glow of an amazing make up sex?" This guy is impossible. I almost roll my eyes, but right now I have a better thing to do.

"Hey, where are you going?" I told you he talks literally nothing. I wonder if he ever tried to answer his own question, does he even hear himself talking? No idea. I keep walking ahead pass the automatic glass doors, until Jongdae's loud voice sounds like an angry squirrel (he did have one back then, and it was exactly like he is right now when he tried to pet it) but I could careless, why wouldn't I when my heart pounds erratically in every stride I take to finally meet the one I always long for?

 

  
Do you know what's worst about Yonsei Severance Hospital? I bet nobody will have anything to say about that. But I finally do as I lean on the front desk breathless. Damn, this is a huge ass hospital.

The nurse only gapes at me while I'm trying to regain my breath. Since Luhan left, I rarely step my foot in this building ever again. It brings back some good old memories, like how I used to drop m&m chocolates at the nurse station for him. That was long before we married. Those little affection we made in between our busy schedules as a young dentist and a cardiologist who chasing after their early career.

However, our ill-timed didn't hinder me from meeting the mid-aged nurse I came to know ever since I started to woo Luhan—Yeah, I literally wooed him with m&m. I managed to sneak 15 minutes before my rounds start for this. We were still new to the field, days had yet to be hectic, thus if he was done for the day minutes earlier, I could steal a moment with him. Yes, a couple of minute’s worth with Luhan, if I were lucky. But most of the time, it was her. Then again, I didn't really mind though. Nurse Lee was nice and more importantly, she's kind of acting as a spy for me. Like how Luhan said I was handsome. Well, I'm not trying to boost that I received those compliments all the time, but to actually get it from him, the feelings are too good to be true.

This time, Nurse Lee isn't there. Instead, it's a girl. Her face is unfamiliar to me. I guess she's a newbie, or perhaps I've just never seen her. Times did pass. I wonder if Nurse Lee got retired this year. "Is Luhan here?" The nurse stays stock still for seconds, I begin to doubt she hears me well, I'm panting after all. I take a deep inhale to steady my breath. "Sorry, I-"

"Oh, Doctor Lu?" She seems to recoil suddenly. Thank God, Jongdae doesn't pull a prank on me. Or else, I might cut his dick off. "Is he here?"

"He just called that he's going to be late today" so he's really here. I can't help my face to break into a wide grin that I'm sure the girl thinks it's creepy. "What time his shift ends?"

The young nurse flusters to check the monitor, knocking some papers off the desk in process. She's too clumsy to be a nurse, I noted. "He works from 10 am - 6.30 pm daily, but for today, he has an appointment scheduled until 8 pm" this is way too great. I thank my lucky star.

"Doctor Oh?" My head snaps up to see Nurse Lee approaches behind the girl. I throw a smile at her. It feels good to see her here again. Nothing much changes apart from some more graying strands. "It sounds weird for you to call me that now"

Corners of her thin lips tug up before she releases a soft cackle. "Long time no see, Sehun-ah" It's funny how we talk like two persons whose life were miles apart, when in fact we're just a building away.

"Sehun?" I hear the girl whisper to herself as I turn to see her frowning. "Oh Sehun?" Then she gasps, closing her mouth when her eyes catching my nametag. Well, now I'm certain that she's a newbie if she doesn't know me. I'm quite popular. Not trying to brag but that's the truth.

"What brings you here?"

"Jongdae told me Luhan is back, so..." I scratch the back of my head, smiling sheepishly. Suddenly her face softens, if I may take a guess, it's similar to a pity. I won't doubt if she thinks Luhan and me aren't in good terms after we divorced. In the first week we were legally a divorcee, I can't stop dropping a call and voicemails to him. It was never easy to come home to an empty house, or seeing his toothbrush isn't there next to mine. Until he told me I shouldn't do this anymore. I want to say no, because I can't but his face that night, with tears running down his cheeks while his lips, those I never seem tired to kiss, saying he no longer wanted me in his life was the only thing that drilled an "okay" through my head. He's hurting, so hurt that those words I've never thought would exist between us, stumbled upon his mouth. And I know I should let him go. You don't know how precious someone is until you lost them. And I've lost him.

It's just fair for him to rebuild a barrier around him, without me in it. By leaving his job and friends here in Yonsei, to reject every call I made, even though I know he still answers my mother's call. The first time I told her about our divorce, she kept refusing for us to part, that everything could be fixed. But unfortunately, in order to fix things between us, we needed to part ways. We're no longer on the same boat. He didn't want the same thing as me. To live our life together as someone who loved each other. There's nothing I can do if love didn't even exist in the first place. No matter how hard I tried.

"Maybe I'll be back when he's done" I glance at my watch, 10 minutes left before lunch ends. I smile for the last time at her, "at 8, right?" Then back to ask the newbie, which replied in a hesitant nod. "Okay, I'll see you around, Nurse Lee" my head bends a little before I walk away, hiding a small smile in a long journey back to the operation room.

 

 

The interns realize that I don't take my time as I usually do when it's IEC session during the rounds. So when one of the elder patient says, "can you repeat?" after a long ass explanation, I need to bit my lips hard, lest to cuss something out to this old demented granny. It isn't like she would remember anything afterward. But I bear another 10 minutes with her.

My legs stretch in a long strides. I have 8 minutes before his shift ends. Next operation will start at 8.30. Great, 30 minutes with him would be nice. As I reach dentistry hall, there I see him on the other side of the hallway. Still beautiful as ever. Even more beautiful than I can possibly remember.

My feet stay rooted on the floor as he walks in my direction, checking his watch on his way. He seems to be in a hurry with increasing pace he takes shortening the distance between us. He still haven't notice me due to the nurses milling about to greet him. Still it doesn't cease the excitement coursing in me, my heart pounds so hard. He still affects me, and it's fascinating.

Look at me, Luhan, please.

Yet when I think he's finally going to see me, he's turning a corner. Fuck, I forget they got elevators there. I run along the hallway to catch Luhan before I bump into someone, scattering all the papers off. "Shit, I'm sorry" I hurriedly grab the documents, arranging them to a messy order. "That's fine" my head looks up to see Yixing smiles at me.

I hand the messy bundles to him. I hope nothing's ripped off in impact of my hasty help. But I really need to go right now. "Sorry, I'm in hurry" I say to the dentist, yet before I can walk a step past him, his hand catches my arm. "To meet Luhan?" He says with a smile. I'm about to ask him regarding this matter later, but since he mentions it now, then might as well get this done. "Why you don't tell me?" I know he can easily do it if he wants. He's living with Junmyeon, and Junmyeon works with me everyday, what is so hard about that?

"I can't, Sehun" a sigh escapes his lips as he releases his grip on me.

"Why? Because he told you not to?" Anger bubbling inside me, I shoot everything my mouth could form without thinking.

"Yes" Yixing says lowly, at the same time I feel like something stabs on my chest. It's unexpected. I never think that he actually did it. "That's what he asks when Doctor Ahn begs him to return" the bitter truth dawns on me that Luhan doesn't want to see me. Why would he do that, as far as avoiding me? Haven’t I forgiven yet? Do I hurt him that much? Is it wrong of me to think time does heal?

For me to endure the absence of you in my life, you're wrong to think it doesn't kill me, Luhan. You're so wrong.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

I drop my heavy body on the fluffy bed. The hospital isn't that hectic for me to be this tired. I'm not the type to ail easily. I take my daily dose of vitamins in routine. Thus, susceptible to sickness is a rare occurrence to me.

Except, if I consider 3 days ago was the root factor of where this all started. Damn, Yixing. I groan, I should know that getting wasted on Sunday night was never a good idea, especially when I have a work to do on Monday morning. A very very bad idea which makes me repentant as I drove all the way to the hospital in a manner almost resembling those you watch in Fast and Furious, minus the badass cars of course, a white mini cooper in my case.

In result, I missed the morning appointment with Mrs. Lee. Thank God, she had been an old patient of mine, so rescheduling seems easier with excessive apologize here and there, although I knew she didn't mind. Still, it didn't solve the main problem that I have no available schedule left for another day. Yeah, the perks of being an infamous dentist, thanks to Yonsei Severance Hospital's brochures that had my face all over them years ago. Practically the same reason why doctor Ahn insisted to hire me back after resigned for almost two years.

There was no way I would push her appointment until next week when it was pure my fault. I guess it's time for me to have my downs, I should took the responsibility professionally, even if that meant I need to stay later than usual.

By the time I was done for the day, the clock barely reached 8 pm. I have at least 15 minutes before it strikes eight on the dot. As the last patient stepped out of the room, I rushed to pack my things. I can't be late.

I knew since the beginning of the call from doctor Ahn 3 weeks earlier, asking me to work as a substitute of doctor Jung who passed away days before, it wasn't going to be easy. Sure, my career in Seoul National University Hospital had been great, perhaps even better, I might add. But sometimes I felt like missing my old comrades in Yonsei, and it was definitely not including him. Mind that. The only reason which held me back from saying yes right away. Even if I had a condition with doctor Ahn, consisting of no one out of this department should know my return, especially cardiology—I really insisted to write the latter part in underline of our agreement letter—it was no different than asking a fish to climb a tree. In fact, all I did was stalling time as much as I can. I think 3 weeks that is.

Had been spending- no, correction, wasting two years my life with him, you can say I know quite well of his schedule, nothing special, I bet all his patients know that too, maybe way much better than I could. Back to the main topic, as long as I can remember, his rounds start at 6 then end at 8, if an operation was in order, possibly past 10, but less than 10? Never. On old days, I might hope for the latter. However, things changed, and right now I dearly wished for the opposite. He could take forever, and I still don't care.

I jogged my way out of the office, while nonchalantly responding to the nurses on duty bidding me good night along the hallway. I would always take my time to greet them properly before, had it not when the possibility of me bumping into him on the higher risk. His rounds would end within 5 minutes, and it would take approximately another 5 minutes for him to reach down here. Good, I still had time.

It rained heavily as I arrived in lobby. I rummaged through my bag to find an umbrella. Shit. I left it inside my drawer. Great, now all my achievement to get here in record was in vain. I needed to go back in order to get out of this damned hospital as fast as I could.

I sighed, mentally prepare myself in high alert as I treaded my way back. Straight ahead, going up to the third floor, turn left, then right- wait. Oh, shit, shit, shit. Just one more step to reach my office before I realize he was there standing, talking with Yixing! Luckily, he didn't see me yet. Damn, he changed his hair color. Good thing, I have 20/20 vision. My mind screamed Fallback! Fallback! As I traced my previous track to the lobby quickly. The downpour still continued, no sign of ceasing anytime near, if anything, it mocked at me with thunders.

Seriously, could this day be any worse? I have no choice. These shits got me checkmate. But I wasn't called Lu-natic for nothing as I blasted off, breaking through the rain. Thinking this was brilliant more than stuck in this building with that jerk.

Turned out, I want to congratulate myself for being the dumbest of the dumbest person alive. Not to mention, I ran out of vitamins for a week as a bonus. Fantastic.

Literally speaking, the total of me catching cold in my entire life can be counted by hands. My family had been overprotective, I'm sure that explains. But ever since I left the house and started my life with him, it's inevitable when works and studies are breathing down on our neck all the time.

I sneezed twice. God, this is awful. I skipped lunch today, too lazy to go to the cafeteria, or simply anywhere in this statement. My arm stretches out, trying to reach for tissue and thermometer in the drawer without so much movement. Might as well saving my energy.

I sniff on the tissue. Hell knows this is more disgusting than babies poop. To complete my torture, I cough hard a few times. So fucking great. After minutes of fumbling around, I can't find the thermometer. How come it's not there when I never once use it?

_Oh, Luhan... Luhan, you're so warm..._

My eyes shut close tightly. Fuck, I curse whomever goddess up there for conjuring up this unnecessary memory upon my brain. Hell, that bastard fucking broke it. Come to think about it, now that I'm on my sane mind, rectal temperature? With his dick? Seriously? What the hell he was thinking?!

I can't believe I was young and stupid. Oh, these thoughts only makes my head feels like split in two. This is killing me. If it's possible, I think I could die twice at this rate.

Now I can't help myself to wonder how it feels to die? Should I be the one to die, for him to save my life? Like those he desperately to save? How little I mean to him compared to them who are dying?

"Luhan, Luhan" I can hear Kyungsoo calling my name in vague. I feel like dying already. Please, just let me die peacefully, Kyungsoo. Go away.

Honestly, I begin to believe if Kyungsoo really capable of reading my mind as he stops his disturbing attempt to bring me to reality. I need a break, that's all.

I hate Oh Sehun. I've been fallen deep in hatred for him since 2 years ago. The Oh Sehun I once loved was long dead, or so I thought of him to be. Oh Sehun I saw days ago was no more than a heartless cardiologist. A hotshot doctor whose job is to fix people's heart, yet he doesn't even owns a heart. How ironic.

His distinct image standing in the hallway flashes behind my eyelids. He shouldn't be there where I can see him. Still using that non-prescribed specs, huh? Think you can fool people with your fake ass looks? He knows he's hot and it's annoying.

_I like it when your cheeks blushing whenever I get to wear these glasses, something dirty on your mind?_

____

This had to stop. I flutter my eyes open to completely shut him out my wandering thoughts. And now seeing him while my eyes are wide-awake with his stupid stethoscope perched on my chest is no different to adding a fuel to the fire of my pending rage. Is the fever that bad for me to start hallucinating about him everywhere?

I watch his serene face listening to my heartbeat. This man can no longer hurt me now that I only had grudge left in me. Maybe I finally become schizophrenic of my own hatred towards him. He looks almost too real. From those black eyelashes resting on his cheek, to every rise of his chest as he breathes, until mild breeze gracing my face snapped me back to realization.

"Sehun" his eyes blink open as I feel my heart skips a beat. Those hooded gaze. Dark circle under his eyes. Messy hair. Unbuttoned shirt exposing his collarbones. They are real. I was too deep in my own recollection of our first year together, the vivid picture I saw whenever I woke up on the couch in the middle of night, before we made love afterward. Oh Sehun and his stamina-

Fuck.

I push away the stethoscope. All the hurt and pain he inflicted against me come rushing back at once. I was blinded by this nostalgia to notice his black hair and his sharper features, I'm looking at Oh Sehun I bumped into a few days ago, not Oh Sehun I loved.

"What are you doing here?" I try to calm myself down. I don't wish to see him! Even more in my room.

"You're burning" what kind of answer is that? Had he gone stupid in the span of time we're not seeing each other?

"That's still not explaining why you're here" My head pounds in ache as I barely hold my anger now with him being irrational.

"Kyungsoo called me"

"But I don't" he should stop trying to reason with me, it won't take him anywhere.

"Let me check your blood pressure" His sudden touch had me flinch like it burns me. "Don't touch me"

"Luhan, I just-"

"I don't need it!" Which word I say that you don't understand, Oh Sehun?

"You're overworking yourself, you know how it affects your health. I need you to bed rest for 3 days" Seriously, Oh Sehun? Now you act like you care, where are you exactly two years ago?

"You have no more control over what should I do!" I might listen to you if you were my long dead husband, Oh Sehun. But you are not. You are no longer my husband. You are that bastard who let me go like a piece of cake. Like I worth nothing more than a trash.

"I advice you as a doctor"

A doctor.

That's all you always think of yourself as.

"In case you happen to forget, I am a capable doctor. I might be a dentist, but I do know how to take care of myself. Competent enough to diagnose myself catching a cold"

Nobody’s gonna hurt me.

"I think I should go" go, you always did.

"I'll make sure to tell doctor Kim to cover you for 3 days. Now excuse me"

Hot tears gather around the brim of my eyes, blurring my sight of his retreating back.

Suddenly I feel ashamed of myself, angry of everything. My fist clench around the pillow hard, barely containing my anger, I throw the pillow to his direction across the room.

"You can't do that to me!" I wish I have something to physically hurt him, crashing his idiot stone head.

"I can't let you risk the patients to get infected with your condition. I hope you take your action wisely" I let my tears down as he disappears from my sight.

I hate you, Oh Sehun. I fucking hate you, do you know that?

So there's no way you can hurt me. People who care are the weakest. And I can't be weak, not when I don't even care a bit.

A doctor like you supposed to mend heart, but all you did to mine, doctor Oh, is the opposite.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

It's barely 11 pm by the time I get home. Five hours long spent inside the operation room finally takes toll on me. I must say, the bright faces of the relative when I stepped out the emergency doors, telling them the surgery goes well, and their millions gratitude towards me are worth the effort. But still, I need to drag my feet into the apartment with the remnants of energy left in me.

0520

The security beeps as it automatically unlocks. I don't know why I still haven't changed the password. Ain't nobody got time for that when I spend most of my time in the hospital, either coming home at 10 pm the least, or none at all. It seems practical if I just live within the on-call room, but I try to convince myself I do have a life to live. Then again, I don't know what kind of life I supposed to live in this lifeless flat I call home.

Turn on the lights. Take off the shoes. Slip on the slippers. Trudge off across the living room. Lay on face down upon the soft mattress. Since when sleeping on my own bed become such a luxury? I can't tell. Laying on my back, I spread-eagle on this king size bed with no one but me, the suitcase, and my cellphone. I used to leave them on the couch outside. Except the white coat. We might be doctors, but he likes to play doctors while-

I'm doing it again. I close my eyes and put an arm upon them, as though I can block the memories from invading my mind. I tend to do that when my brain is in jumbling mess. It's almost 2 years. Don't you think it starts to get lame? I have no answer for that. I'm just tired, and that's the only time I let my guards down.

_Put off your socks, idiot! You bring the germs to the bed!_

And just like right now, I can hear the annoyance lacing in the voice of him, or the sting he left from pinching my waist. But I know better than to believe such an illusion. No voice, no pinch, I'm all-alone with my thoughts to entertain myself. Somehow the blatant truth suffocates me, I can't help the fingers to reach towards my crumpled shirt's collar, popping open two first buttons in futile attempt to ease something that smothers me, which I can't put my head around what it actually is.

Later on, unconsciously my hand pulls each socks off my feet. I don't understand why I do what I did. It's always been him who did it for me if I was too tired to even move a muscle, other times I caught him scrubbing a warm wet towel on them while I dozed off. Maybe I miss him, a little too often, a little too much for someone who considered to be my ex-partner. He's not mine. Not anymore. And I have no right to miss him.

I sighed deeply, time to cut this nostalgic shit. Who knows when will the hospital decided to ruin the privilege I rarely have. Same old, same old. As if on cue, five minutes into my dreamless sleep, the phone starts to ring. Goddamnit. They promised me doctor Song would take over my shift tonight. Then why though they can't let me sleep peacefully? I groaned out loud, without opening an eye my hand blindly searching for the device.

"Hello" I cringe at the hoarse tone I make.

"Sehun," clearly it's not the same voice embracing my ears every time the emergency call happens. Not Johnny, not Jaehyun, or Taeyong, I'll know immediately if it's them. Blame it to the frequent call.

My eyes spring open to check the caller, "Kyungsoo?" This is the first time I talk to him, after that night I let myself ruining what was left between us. Us means me and his best friend.

It comes quite a surprise for him to call me, I wonder if it has something to do with his friend, a little hope blossoming in my chest. "What's up?" I clear my throat before replying, he can't know what's behind the sudden light tone, I hope he doesn't notice.

"It's Luhan... He-" I sit up too quickly, resulting in dizziness attacks me right on the head. "What's about him?" I don't care if I give away the excitement I feel. "He-he doesn't look well since yesterday" now I can feel my face drains of blood as my heart drops. "And he doesn't respond to my call when I wake him, I'm afraid-"

"Keep an eye on him, I'll be right there" no matter how urgent every emergency call I get, never once in my life I bolt out of the apartment the way I do now. Because if something happens to him, I have no one to blame but me.

Me who put our marriage on the line for nothing.

 

 

I rap my knuckles against the hard surface, they can bruise for all I care. "Kyungsoo!" I shout loud enough to wake up the whole residents in this building. I push the bell repeatedly, then back to pound the door hard.

Finally the door open as I stride inside, "where's he?" My tone comes out rather harsh than I intend to be, glaring at Kyungsoo who frowns in panic. "This way" he leads me to a slightly a jar door.

There I see my love lied on the bed. Pale and thin than the last time I saw him. His cheeks sunken and the rosy blush over them are no where to be found. I yank the cover off, checking any suspicious symptoms I may find to confirm my greatest fear. No swellings.

I get my stethoscope ready, placing the diaphragm on his left chest. I can hear the faint murmur of his heart. Calm and steady. Just the way it used to be. When was the last time I listen to his heartbeat? He, the only heartbeats whom I can remember. The soft distinct swish in between every beating of his heart. The heart that was once mine.

"Sehun?" I open my eyes, which I don't realize I shut them close all the time I listened to his pulse. His warm hand comes contact with mine as he removes the instrument off his chest. "What are you doing here?" His doe eyes flashing a glint of bewilderment as they shift from mine to Kyungsoo who stands near the door.

I want to hug him right at this moment, telling him everything's okay to erase the confusion written all over his face. But I know I can't. He tries to sit up before I reach his shoulders, my heart wrenches when I feel there's nothing more than skin and bones under my palms. "You're burning"

The crease between his brows deepens, "that's still not explaining why you're here" I release a long breath. I know it's not gonna be easy. I give a glance to Kyungsoo behind, thankfully he gets it right away as he leaves us and shut the door.

"Kyungsoo called me"

"But I don't" he averts his eyes elsewhere, as long as it's not me he sees. I can't help the disappointment to surge within me. Those eyes, which I love to stare, refusing to meet mine, yet when they did, the glows has long gone, replaced by dullness or something akin to resentment.

Minutes of silence enveloped the room. With him staring off at a corner, and me with my thoughts try to think a way not to piss him off even further. Eventually settle on the only thing my mind can comes up, I reach my bag to pull out the sphygmomanometer. "Let me check your blood pressure"

I take his arm only to be swatted away, "don't touch me"

"Luhan, I just-"

"I don't need it!" His sharp gaze glaring at me, blazing in hatred. I don't know such an innocent eyes can hold so much animosity, and I wonder if I'm the only one of all people who deserves it. Maybe I am.

"You're overworking yourself, you know how it affects your health. I need you to bed rest for 3 days"

Luhan snorts as though I just blurt out the most ridiculous thing. "You have no more control over what should I do!"

"I advice you as a doctor" this completely shut him up until for a split seconds I notice a sudden change in his eyes before it backs again.

"In case you happen to forget, I am a capable doctor. I might be a dentist, but I do know how to take care of myself. Competent enough to diagnose myself catching a cold" his tone drops low, losing all the trace it keeps rising a moment before.

"I think I should go" I put the instrument and stethoscope back inside. Standing up straight, I say, "I'll make sure to tell doctor Kim to cover you for 3 days. Now excuse me" I march towards the exit.

"You can't do that to me!" A pillow barely missed my head as it hits the door before falling down in a soft thump.

I turn around to find him boring holes through my skull with his scowl. "I can't let you risk the patients to get infected with your condition. I hope you take your action wisely"

The door closed behind me as I take a deep breath. I don't know dealing with him can be this hard, even after years has passed the last we had a civilized talk was that time in the court.

"Are you okay?" I look up to see Kyungsoo's concerned gaze on me. I give him a smile, enough to convince him of what I'm going to say. "I'm fine" he throws me a smile back in return, an apologetic one. "I feel guilty to have to drag you here at midnight only to find out he's not... you know. I'm sorry" maybe if I were in his shoes, I would do the same. Just anything to save him. I think I understand how clueless and helpless Kyungsoo might be.

"There's no need to be sorry. You keep your promise, and I should thank you for that" I pat his sagging shoulder. I feel grateful to Kyungsoo. Two years and he did one hell of a job to take care of my love. At first, I think he just said it to make me feel better about this whole disaster, but tonight he proves himself to stay true towards his words. That's an admirable quality in Do Kyungsoo I just realize. I'm glad Luhan had him on his beck and call.

"Sehun"

By now I can positively sure, he's aware of how much of a mess I look like right in this second. I feel self-conscious as his eyes briefly give me a once-over in sympathy. "You can stay the night if you want, I have spare clothes and toothbrush for you"

My corner lips stretches in courteous manner, "it doesn't take days or even hours to get back home, Kyungsoo. I'm all good. Thank you"

I feel the urge to look down. The yellow chick plush slippers smudge in dirt, must be from my hasty escapade running all the way here. Nonetheless their crescent moon eyes still present, smiling at me.

_This looks exactly like you!_

Stop it. Just stop it.

I drag the poor chicks padding across the room. It feels so heavy, or is it my heart? There's something tugging my heart. Something that has been bothering me up until now, but I have no courage to find out. I'm a coward, I'm fully aware of that. And I'm starting to become sick of it.

"Kyungsoo..." I halted my step right before the door. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, anything. As long as it's something I can help you with"

I pivoted on my heels. He's just a foot away from where I stand, waiting for me shoot out anything. His solemn expression pretty much says it that whatever I'm going to ask him, he'll give his best as a compensation of what happened tonight. It might hurt me, or it mightn't. It's only a matter of time for me to get hurt. Sooner or later. Then might as well do it now or never.

"Is Luhan seeing someone right now?"

 

 

 

**Luhan**

I can't believe Yixing, my so-called loyal best friend, is now siding with that bastard. He locks my bedroom before turning around while folding his arms. "Take that off" Tsk. He sounds like a typical cranky ahjumma.

"Yixing, I need to go back to the hospital" I try to push him away from the door to no avail. I'm still burning and weak because I refuse to drink the paracetamol. I know it was from him, I heard his voice clear this morning while Kyungsoo tried to tell me it was Jongin. Since when they talk by the door? If I don't know how much Kyungsoo loves that brat, I would probably filing a trespassing on private property issue millions times by now.

He ushers me easily to the bed now that I start to tire myself out with the pushing, taking off my coat then laying me down on the mattress. "Why are you so stubborn?" He pulls the blanket until it reaches my chin. I feel so weak as I keep coughing nonstop. "Here, here, drink this" his hand placed behind my head, lifting my lips to take a sip from the hot tea Kyungsoo had prepared.

The dentist put the cup back before bringing another thing in front of me. "Open your mouth" the spoon holds syrup. I try to shake my head. I really don't need that. "Luhan, please. If you really want to go back to that damn hospital, you need to drink this"

"Sehun. It's Sehun's" my voice cracks a little due to the coughs. Yixing sighs as he lowers the spoon. "Fine" finally he gives up. "I'm going to compress your head, and you need to eat, got it?" I nod in agreement, a smile stretches on my lips. He's best at compromising, no wonder he's so good around children. Maybe including me.

Whilst Yixing disappearing into the bathroom, my thought reminds me that I broke my promise. The promise that I won't ever meet him again, no matter how the circumstances I'll be in. I release a deep breath.

Promise me, Luhan. Yesterday would be the last time you broke your promise as the last day you meet him.

 

 

Two days later, I back to work as usual. Like nothing ever happened apart from me feeling under the weather. Sehun never happened, at least I'm trying to convince myself.

Everything goes well until next week, when I see him enter my office. I feel my jaw drops. What the hell is he doing here?

"I'm currently on my duty, so please, if you may, get out from my office" I'm trying to busy myself with the medical records from the previous patient, there's nothing to be reviewed, she's done with the treatment, and here I am pretend to observe her radiograph.

Before I can usher him out myself, I feel my assistant whisper to my ear, "he's here for a treatment, Doc" My eyes dilate in surprise as he takes a seat in front of me, showing his stupid smile at me. Does he really need to ruin my day? Probably, because what else he's good at beside fixing people's heart? Note that it's not including mine.

Fine. I close the documents and sit straight up to face him as professional as I can be, this is me, and my patient, nothing more, nothing less. I put a phony smile I can muster to act nice to him since I'm a professional doctor, I can't be biased. "What can I do for you, Doctor Oh?"

I won't deny that calling him with his honorifics feels weird now. Borderline disgusting when the memories from the past linked to this word attacks me. Why would I be so stupid to initiate a sick kink like that?! I'm not sure if he thinks the same thought as me, because that sure feels awkward. I lift my eyes to gauge his reaction, only to find him staring at me. Fuck, I can't help the shudders jolt through my spine as I feign to clear my throat then standing up. "Please sit on the dental chair" I refuse to include the honorifics this time.

The nurse hands me the dental record while he moves towards my instruction. I don't need to see what's written there, it's just a formality shit to look as a professional. I used to do a routine scaling for his lingual braces since I'm also the one who install them, my first lingual orthodontic case.

_I don't mind if it means I get to see you work from this angle every month. Although I would like to see you under me._

God, am I that sexually frustrated? True, I haven't got laid since forever. I'm an independent man now, so what's the matter though? Just now that I realize I need it, a real flesh, not a mindless jack-off at the shower. The hell, do I need to think about it now? The frown goes deeper as I'm struggling to put the gloves and mask, while the nurse blushes when she clips the dental bibs. I want to roll my eyes. Yeah, been there, done that. Sorry, I can't be fooled by that looks anymore.

Now that I had the mask around my mouth, I don't need to fake a smile, a nice tone will do. "I'll start the scaling now" The works do just fine with me absorbing into getting the job done. Most of the patients will fall asleep during the treatment, so I need to check them once in a while. By the time I do, I catch him gazing at me. My cheeks feel like flaming, in a sudden I feel insecure if he knows what's happening behind this mask. Some patients tend to do that, then why the hell I should feel this way?

"Ahhhh!"

"Oh my God!"

 

 

Kyungsoo called me he would stay at Jongin's place since his boyfriend is sick. In result, I have to grab my own lunch at the cafeteria. Seriously, Kyungsoo's cooking is way much better than these. He's a five star hotel chef after all. And it's a bit of a let down when I can't get to eat his kimchi fried rice.

Now that Sehun had found out, I suppose to walk around freely without worry anymore. But I guess, I can't help myself not to sneak a cautious glance to every corner in the room. After the incident I made yesterday, I completely lost my face. No big damage was done, just a mild pain but still it was such a reckless mistake. I feel like I want a black hole appears out of nowhere to swallow me alive.

I take a seat far in the secluded area, not too private, but at least it's not in the center where someone could easily spot me. Well, neither it does exactly mean impossible as I see that someone places his tray opposite me. This is getting nerve wrecking. I'm ready to flee away to another table when he halts me, "wait"

If any females were to offer 5 minutes spent with him, they would surely go for a yes, but I don't. I can't bear even a millisecond with this guy. I've had enough. Why can't he seem to leave me alone? What did I deserve to be tortured this way?

"I don't want to cause a scene in a public, Sehun. So please, I beg you to leave me alone" I say calmly, while inside I'm barely burst out. My patience is wearing thin, I only wish he doesn't try it. "We need to talk"

"There's nothing we should talk about" I give him a glare, then proceeding to move out from the table. "Wasn't yesterday considered as a malpractice?" Now I regret not to rip his mouth with a burnisher. "What do you want?"

"That's what we're going to talk about" This asshole. "Sit down" who the hell he thinks he is? He can't order me around just like that! "Please just take the seat" He really doesn't have an idea what kind of trouble he gets himself into. It's getting on my nerves, I take a good amount of oxygen through my lungs to calm down. He'd better thank me I haven't kill him yet, oh, if only he knows I'm barely second away from doing it.

I'm sitting right before him with no expression to entertain him, I don't need that when we have no doctor-patient relationship outside. "Um... Actually, I'm thinking about..."

"Just say it" really, I don't really understand why he needs to pretend so nervous. We had past that stage, thus it's useless.

"Spend the night with me" my jaw almost drops. What did he just say? Am I hearing right? "What?"

"I'm asking you to spend the night with me" damn right. This bastard is losing his mind. I snort out loud. I can't believe he could be this brainless. My head feels so hot that I think it's possible to see my ears are fuming. He blackmails me for a fuck? That’s it, he's fucking asking for a piece of my mind.

"Listen, I would prefer to be sued rather than having sex with you-"

"Whoa, whoa, calm down, Lu. I think you got the wrong idea here"

"Then what?!"

"Lu, please just calm and sit down" his hands try to pull me back down, the fuck I won't! This is a sexual harassment we're dealing!

"I'm going to call the security" I try to loose myself from his grip around my arms, but if he won't let go in any second longer, I'm ready to-

"Go out with me" I'm paralyzed. I just stare into his eyes to see if this is some fucking joke he plays. But I only see how determined those orbs are. I would know if he lies, then again I couldn’t see what's the point in this.

"You must be joking, right?" I laugh mirthlessly. This is not funny.

"I'm serious" and I'm tired, Sehun. Really tired. I have no idea what's on his mind, what he's going to do with me. It's just too difficult to trust him after what he did to me. All I want is not to get hurt. Is it too much to ask?

"Sehun, I don't think it's a good idea"

"Lu, just let me fix whatever happened to us"

Fix.

I wonder if it's possible to use that word now. Out of the blue, one big question glaring at me: Can we be fixed?

"We fixed everything 2 years ago, Sehun. Just please... please don't make it complicated"

"Is it that hard to forgive me?" Is it? Honestly, I don't know. Yes, he broke me years ago. Yet the wounds still fresh as it was yesterday. I've never tried to heal them, to fix them.

I can't say anything to answer his question. Because there was never a fix, a cure, a forgiveness to begin with. I was too absorbed to dwell in my own misery to notice that someday I have to end this. To give a proper closure to our story. The reason why I can't seem to let go of the pain I've suffered.

I want to be happy too, Sehun.

Even if it's not you I'd be happy with.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

"As far as I know," he seems to hesitate whether it is right for him to say this. His eyes wander around in contemplation. I'm sure Kyungsoo would lie if he needed for Luhan. But I doubt he will, unless if he changed into a heartless person now, unable to see how much I care for his best friend to be in this pathetic state I am in.

He fiddles with his slender fingers, wring them in fidget. "I'm not really sure, but he's not. At the moment. Or the moment before. I mean, after you both... part"

And that's what I need to drive back home with a small smile I try so hard to compress.

 

 

I'm glad Luhan didn't try to force himself to work for the next 2 days after Yixing had to drag him home on his first attempt. He seems to be surprised too when I ask him to cover for Luhan which he doesn't mind doing. I think I get the reason behind his action well now. He's such a good friend to Luhan, like Kyungsoo. And I appreciate that. No hard feelings between us afterward.

"How about July 20th?" I don't know why I'm using the telephone right next to the operation room doors to call the dental administration, not to mention still sporting the blue scrubs. Unlike today, back in those days we were together never once I went through these unnecessary procedures.

_It has been a while Sehunnie..._

He just needs to wear a cute bunny ears headband and asks me to spare a day for a monthly check-up or the scaling, that was how our appointment used to be made, either it's dental appointment or the other one I don't have to point out. The love marks on our calendar should enough to explain.

"I apologize, Doctor Oh, but this week has fully booked" damn. My fingers rake through my slightly damp hair in frustration. I have offered three of my available schedule, and not even once we meet an agreeable time. It's not that urgent actually, neither I'm in pain nor it's a life-threatening situation, but I think I can relate to latter, a bit. I need to spend more time with him. Or else, I die? He was so used to keep up with my crappy cheesiness and he would laugh, then reward me a shy kiss or a slap, based on his mood or how much of a crap it was.

_I can't believe I'm dating a cheese ball._

"We can recommend you on 28th at 4pm, do you have a time?" It's a Pediatric Congenital Heart Association seminar. I think I can sacrifice that one. A seminar in exchange for a 30 minutes session within 30 cm radius from Luhan, how's that sound? "Yes, please"

 

 

If one were to ask me about how to separate a conjoined twins connected at heart, I can narrate all the procedures from A to Z, you just choose which version you want me to do, the simple, brief ones for commoners, or the long, detailed ones for the expert and specialist. Because I have years of experience and studies to reach at this point, isn't it?

Then, what if the thing I'm being asked is love? It doesn't require years of experience and studies for someone to give an answer to that. Because every answer is true, depends how they see love on their own point of view. It can be something beautiful, fake, or even doesn't exist at all.

And as for me, neither I have much experience from love, nor I have the urge to know about it deeply through romantic literature and drama. I'm no hopeless romantic. It just seems so unfit to a high school nerd like me.

Jongin and I had been friends since we were five. If you watch some crappy high school drama, a nerd and a jock are never mean to be in the same circle. But here in reality, we did. And his fellow football mates aren't some bully who intimidated their junior to give them bucks. They were nice and welcoming, though sometimes they managed to copy my homework, without force of course. Another reason not to believe college chick flicks.

Being in the same circle with the popular boys means they got their own spotlight from the whole females population at the school, that includes those pretty and famous cheerleader squad.

Jung Soojung is her name, the head cheerleader. She was beautiful and witty. I got to know her because I was the only one who sat on the bleachers, waiting for Jongin to finish his training for the day, and she would sit beside me after her practice ended. The cheers team took the track field, while the football team on the grass field. So, it seemed most likely for the jocks to date the chicks from cheerleader. A cliché indeed.

It didn't take a rocket science to know that Jongin got his eyes on Soojung. And Soojung, of course she liked Jongin too. Who wouldn't want to date a popular jock like Jongin? She was out of my league. But I couldn't help to hope that one day the popular, pretty girl would reciprocate the love from the nerd. Like those in the movies. Yet the day was never come. The first time I got my heartbreak.

Four years after, never once it crossed my mind that Jongin gave me Soojung's number at the reunion party. They were no longer dating. But it just felt so weird for him to do it. "She asks me to give it to you. Go get her, tiger" I remember Jongin said to me.

Do you know why I said the day was never come? Because the feeling wasn't reciprocated. The nerd wasn't in love with the pretty girl anymore.

Contrary to what people says, it's not hard for me to come terms with my sexuality. I don't deny that I like boys with soft features and flat chest over beautiful girls with big boobs. Maybe it's because my college friends are gay which makes me think that liking a guy is no different than catching feeling for another human being. Although I haven't go that far yet. I just happened to know that I like girls no more.

Whenever I read a novel or a movie that put based on a true story on its opening, I begin to wonder if it's a marketing trick to boost their selling. Like Titanic. A tragic love story between Rose and Jack who dead drowning in a freezing sea. All you have to do is to insert the word "love" to make everything make sense. True? As greasy as it may sound, I do believe love is real, yet not to the extend of first-sight.

Luhan had been Yixing's bestfriend during college. And Junmyeon, my cousin, was happened to drag me along to his boyfriend's graduation. I don't quite recall why I even agreed in the first place. Most of all, that was pretty much how I met Luhan for the first time. No sparks or sign that I would fall for him, I don't feel a thing like an electrifying sensation when our hands touched, or some hypnotizing gaze when our eyes met whilst talking about his career plans. All I know was he would be another pretty face to my memory, not even his name I could remember.

I think, God kinda wants to give me a second chance, in a form of toothache. I have no idea what a toothache supposed to feel like, but I swear it hurt like shit, more than you can imagine. I couldn't sleep and eat properly, no doubt it did affect my routines for two days. I called Junmyeon to ask whether Yixing was available, turned out, he wasn't at the moment. My cousin offered something about booking an appointment for me, I could careless as long as I got free from this fucking torture.

And it was Luhan. Finally I remembered his name after a quick glance at his nametag. He didn't expect to meet me here, although I've said I worked as a first year cardiologist in Yonsei. I guess he didn't remember me quite well too as I did.

The funny thing was he supposed to be a skilled young dentist, I saw his face on the pamphlet at the front desk said so. I think it was Yonsei's reward to promote their remarkable graduates. But I could tell he was flustering all them time when I kept moaning throughout the examination. He refused to lower his mask even whilst writing the prescription and instructed me to come back after the pain has receded, yet his ears had said it all which intrigued me to the point where I begin to question was it the pain or was it the thought of him that makes me couldn't eat and sleep well later at night?

Since the fourth encounters, I decided I like his face. The cute frown when he was concentrating on his work, the way his eyes crinkle when he laughs, or the blush on his cheeks whenever he caught me staring.

Like right now.

Maybe if my reflex stops for once and I did undo my shriek when the scaler stays a little longer than necessary on my tooth, I can continue to stare at his face all day. Like how I used to be.

 

 

It's cruel for me to take an advantage of his mistake yesterday. Although he did apologize ten times over. And he told his assistant to free the bills. Of course, I can't let that happen. I transferred the payment to his account without him knowing, because if he did, well there would be another war in order. And I can't let that happen too.

From the way he looks, talks to me, clearly some things between us were left undone. I spent years in torture yet it doesn't work like how I expect it turned out to be. Truthfully speaking, I'm disappointed to know that Luhan had been hating me through the years we spent in separation.

I thought maybe he would call me one day, telling me that he didn't mean what he said that night. That we were meant to be together despite the unfortunate circumstance we are in. That we just need a space for us to realize we can't live without each other. That we were too easy to give up and we should never make the same mistake ever again. That I was forgiven.

"Is it that hard to forgive me?" I don't expect an answer from him. I merely speak what's on my thought. What should I do for you to forgive me, Lu? Don't you think it had been hard for me too? To let you walk out of my life like that, I almost think I lost my mind if it wasn’t because of a pill or two I took every night.

It's time for us to make peace with the past. To bury the hatchet and start anew.

"I'm sorry"

Tell me how many times I need to say it, and I'll do it.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

For God's sakes, when was the last time I went shopping? Can't remember. This is the fifth times I changed my outfit and none of them makes me not to cringe. They're worst. I'm in need of a shopping galore. I raise my wrist, one hour and a half left. No, I can't do it in a such little time. And I'm not doing it for him! No way.

Ah, why should I fuss over this like it's a big deal? It's just Sehun. And we're just going to have civil conversation, nothing more. That's the purpose of this meeting. Right. A friendly hangout. Between a divorcee.

I look around to the pile of clothes scatter on my bed, then back at the closet. A pink hoodie hangs in between the hanger catches my attention.

_I like you in pink._

Please, not again. I cup my face with both hands as I throw myself on the mattress. I'm thinking about dumping that hoodie somewhere, as long as it's out of my sight, but it's my favorite. Such a hard decision I have to deal right now. Sehun bought it for me on Christmas, and I suppose to burn it along with our wedding pictures. It's just comfortable and warm to wear, that's all. At least I'm trying to convince myself. The reminiscence of his arms surrounds me while I was wearing his gift, watching the flickering lights on the Christmas tree has nothing to do with me taking it as a memento. I swear, it's not.

"Lu!" Kyungsoo barges into my room. I see him brings out a pink shirt in front of me. "Come on, try this on! I bought it yesterday" I want to groan in agony. Why pink?

"Kyungsoo, you don't have to... Damn, this is not a date!" Yes, this is definitely not a date.

"Of course it's not, but you still need to wear something nice. Hurry, try this" I just shake my head, face still buried inside my palms. I don't really want to wear that thing. Or anything with pink in this case. What would Sehun think? Tsk, it'll only boost to his ego that I still remember how he likes me wearing this not-so-manly color. But I did remember. Wait, what the heck, Luhan!

"Oh, please. I bet it'll look good on you" I feel Kyungsoo pulling my hands to preach my face. I squirm around, whining in protest, "I don't wanna"

"Come on, Lu" I'm giggling as he's straddling me, refusing to give up. Hell, I wonder if he's going to the gym without me knowing, his strength is no joke or is it me being weak? I'm sure to hit the gym three times a week! I try to keep up with his unbelievable strong pulling until he snaps my wrists quickly beside my head. "Gotcha!"

He's something. Like really? This Do Kyungsoo, the five-star hotel chef? What is he doing with that hulk power to those innocent ingredients? I laugh amusedly along with him. "Okay, you got me" both my palms open in surrender.

"I don't know you like it in the rough way, Lu" it supposes to be a joke. He's still laughing, oblivious to the sudden silence come from me.

_Didn't know someone as beautiful as you would like it rough._

Kyungsoo looks so startled next to me. Realizing I just push him off subconsciously. Without further ado, I grab the shirt to avoid the awkwardness fill the abrupt silence. "It's getting late, I'm going to try it now"

By the time the bathroom door's closed, I feel so stupid than ever. Because Kyungsoo and I are too comfortable for each other that we never change inside the bathroom. And I don't know if I can make things more awkward than it already has.

 

 

Screw that, I think I have the ability to make everything worst. If there's a word that could describe something worst than worst, it would be me. Bad, worse, worst, Luhan. Fantastic.

So here I am, mouth gaping at him whose face beaming like he never had a taste of evil in this world. "Hi" he says, trying to charm his way with that smile. Sorry to say, but it won't work on me. Only me.

It's not his smile or his attractive features—there's no need to deny this fact, and I'm not being subjective here—that left my jaw almost dropping. Oh Sehun stands before me, and guess what? He's wearing a fucking pink shirt. Two buttons undone, both sleeves rolled to the elbows. What is this? A catwalk? He only makes me looks like a dork beside him.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

Did he think of me when he chooses what to wear tonight? Hell, my face might hurt from smiling too much. I'm happy, like really really happy. How could I not when my love looks so beautiful, cute, and more importantly, in pink. Pink is Luhan. I don't know but pink reminds me a lot of Luhan. I like Luhan in pink.

_Hey, I said that first!_

He likes me in pink too. But nah, I think pink likes Luhan more, because he looks almost too good on it. Well, actually everything he wears, even when he doesn't wear anything at all, oh I like that a little bit too much. Just the thought of it sends blood rushing southward. No, Sehun, you can't think of him like that! I'm almost declaring myself a celibate these past years. I don't want anybody else but him. What a sweet torture.

"Hi"

Those big doe eyes stare at me, his lips part a little, adorably showing his front teeth. I miss his orange curly locks. I might bite his cheeks if he still had that style. Then his eyes shift from his own shirt to mine. We look like a couple. My grin widens in an instant, can't help it. "Should we go in? I've booked a table"

"Yeah, sure" he shrugs, and damn I nearly hold his hand if he's not too fast walking inside the restaurant. I won't be surprised if I get a slap or two by the time I touch him. We used to go here on the weekend, with his hand on mine. Old habits die hard, you know. Get yourself together, Oh Sehun!

I follow him through the cramped hallway, it's not that narrow actually but since it's Friday night, the restaurant swamped with white-collars. "Hello, have you book a reservation?" This Japanese dining is a fancy and best known for its sushi in Cheongdam. We, as a sushi monster and hunter as Luhan may call us, of course couldn't miss an opportunity to pay a visit, and somehow this place was our favorite amongst all.

"Yeah, it's..." I look at Luhan, and he looks back at me. I can't gauge his reaction whether he would whack my head or giggling like how it supposed to be. Back then. "Hunhan, under the name Hunhan" Finally I said it.

I take a brief look at him, honestly I don't know if I should be grateful because now, he's busy with his phone. Did Kyungsoo lie to me about his relationship? Or Luhan simply didn't show it? Curiosity killed the cat. And I'm dying to know who he's chatting with. Because Luhan is fucking smiling right now.

"Please this way, Sir" we both snap our head to the waitress. I please him to walk ahead, while I'm walking behind him, trying to take a glimpse of his phone to no avail. As he pockets the device back, we arrived at our designated table, a sushi bar. I pull the stool for him, which take him by surprise. I wonder why, when I used to do that. Nonetheless he clears his throat, before muttering a small thanks. Cute.

As my eyes catching the sight of a salmon sushi coming by, I pick the plate then place it before him. "You still love salmon, right?" I begin to pour a small amount of _shoyu_ into the dipping bowl. I still remember the adorable face he made when I urged him to try the _wasabi_ , since then on he swears he would never try it again, so I make sure not to put the green pasta into the soy sauce, instead I put a sprinkle of chili powder. That's how he likes it.

I see him pressed his lips into a thin line. "Sehun, if you're trying to-"

"Oh! So, here's finally I get to see the HunHan couple again!" We turn our head to someone over the bar. The man claps his hands then stretching his arms wide, "welcome back!"

I throw him a smile, "it's good to be back here, Chef Suke"

The chef laughs, "I thought you guys found a new place. It has been a while!" I laugh back at him, then he focuses his attention to Luhan after quite some time. "How have you been doctor Oh Luhan? I know it must been hectic for you. I'm getting bored here to see this lonely guy coming to my place, ranting about missing his husband on his bed while he's drunk" Hell, I'm doomed. I could feel Luhan becomes tense from the corner of my eyes, I don't dare to see what his face looks like right now. Yes, I was drunk, once (I have no time to do it twice), I didn't even remember saying something like that.

"I was busy, but I always try my best to make a time for Sehunnie" my head turns at him in a sudden, so fast that I think it spins. Did he just throw sarcasm or did he just call me Sehunnie? He knows how to turn my world upside down. How easy for him to do that. I got my senses feasting upon his smile and laugh, although it's not for me. I miss my Luhan.

"Sorry gentlemen," the chef's voice breaks my gaze off of Luhan to realize a new person had just coming, it's one of his crew standing behind him. "I have some guest waiting for me. Please enjoy your time here, now excuse me" we bend our head a little as he passes through the back door. Great, now it's just Luhan and me. I can't risk another awkward moment with him if Chef Suke is here to spill the beans. God, he could be annoying sometimes.

Luhan is now turning his body towards me, all his smiling face is gone without trace, replaced by the irritated one. "So, you didn't tell him, do you?"

"Tell him what?" I know what he means by that. But, let's just pretend that I don't. I can't let him know I never told anyone that we're divorced, apart from our colleagues and close friends.

"That we're no longer together" I can feel irritation laced on his voice. And I feel a little bit down to hear such a bitter fact coming out right from him. Two years and still it stings.

"He's not asking, why should I bother to explain? It's not his business"

"Oh, I think you should"

"It's unnecessary"

"Why you always think what we had is unimportant?!" I startle to see him standing up right, the wooden stool screeching against the marble and his rising voice almost got the entire place's attention on us. I think he can feel it too as his eyes scanned the surrounding. "I gotta go" and he blasts out.

"Lu," I follow his hurried pace out the restaurant. "Lu, please listen to me" my long strides could no longer catch up with him half running into the parking lot. "Luhan" I pull his forearm, almost jerking him to look at me. His doe eyes are red, tears brimming in them. My heart aches at the sight. "I'm sorry"

"How many times do you have to say that?" His frowns are visible. He's trying to hold back his tears. It hurts to see him like this. The urge to reach for his face is so strong that I have to clench my fist hard from doing so. Don't make it worst, Sehun.

"I don't know what you're trying to do. But it won't work Sehun. We're not gonna work. Not even this time" I feel like someone stabs me right in the chest. So hurt but it doesn't bleed. He's the only one who could hurt me this badly, ripping my heart apart and still, I would let him step on it.

"Luhan, I still lov-"

"Don't you ever dare say it" again, he stabs me. I close my eyes, trying to numb the pain. I know he's hurting, but if the pain he inflicts on me means easing the hurt he feels, then I'm willing to take it, all of them. I want him back to my arms, why is it so hard to win you back? We fell in love so easily that I didn't even need to try. Can you at least trying this time? I want to say those words to him, yet instead, "can we at least try to go back before all of this happened? Like how we used to be friends?"

That's all I'm asking to you.

It's the least I can be, to be with you.

A friend.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

I like someone who knows what they're doing. Maybe that was why I once fell for Sehun. He knows what to do. The incident happened at the restaurant was long forgotten as he sits next to me, driving my white mini cooper. He left his car at the parking lot, saying he'll have someone fetch it for him tomorrow. Although I've argued that we can drive separately. I know Sehun, he could be so stubborn sometimes. So here we are, on our way to the cinema. I think he got it planned all along, my favorite movie series just released days before. The Avengers. It's funny to think that it's a coincidence I'm an avenger too, in a mission to avenge my ex-husband, minus the super powers. But I'm still contemplating over whether should I continue this mission or abort mission instead.

I look at him recalling a story about a little girl animatedly. I can't remember what happened to the girl that had him laughing just now. I'm too busy with my own thought about our old days. It feels like those days, exchanging stories and cases. For a moment I almost forget that we once tied in a marriage, like it was a long time before that. A time when he looked at me like this in the car, in front of my house after spending all day at the Lotte World.

_I want to kiss you so bad._

"Luhan? we're here"

"Oh, right" I swear, I slap my inner self hard twice to the point I can feel my cheeks flame. Stop make a fool of yourself! Damnit. I step out of the car, subconsciously slamming the door. "You... okay?" I'm a bit startled to see him standing beside me.

I huff in irritation, "why wouldn't I?" Then stomping ahead, leaving him behind. I wish I had an amnesia right now.

 

 

The first time we went to the cinema was on our fourth date. After our first kiss in the car, I think it's fine to say that Sehun liked to kiss me. He took everything slowly for us, or mostly for me. I knew he tried to restrain himself from going further without me being the first one to initiate, I could feel by the way he held my lower back while kissing me, he barely contained not to grab my ass. Often times, he would excuse himself if things were getting intense. Deep down, I felt somewhat disappointed, because he never asked, and me being a prude didn't even help.

Sehun never picked seats near the aisle, simply because he wanted to kiss me. And now that we weren't supposed to kiss anymore, eventually we chose those near the aisle. No holding hands, no leaning to his shoulder, or his hand upon my thigh. It feels... new.

I'm a Chinese, living years in Korea. Back then, my Korean Literature professor even praised me for acing his class. Yet right now, I don't know a thing about what's written on the bottom of the screen. I read it but I can't seem to understand even a tad bit. I don't want to justify my action with the fact that him keep glancing at me every second is distracting, but it is! Why it bothers me so much to the point I can't enjoy this moment, me spending a free movie ticket. (Yes, of course Sehun paid for the tickets).

Now to make it worst, a romantic scene played, and I can feel the promise of something intimate will bound to happen in any second. It was a perfect timing for Sehun to make a move back then. But tonight had been different, we're not we used to be. I hope he won't be thinking what I think he shouldn't. It feels impossible with the way he looks at me right now from the corner of my eyes. No, Luhan don't look back at him!

Either way, I can't pretend to check my phone when I know the actor starts to lean in to the female, he would know I'm being awkward. I keep my eyes to the screen, watching the moment their lips are inches apart in the same time as Sehun's to mine. I should push him away! But I can't feel my limbs! I feel weaker with the shortening gap left between us. My toes curl in hope of some miracle to stop what's going to happen. I'm going to regret this. I know I will. God, please, save me!

My phone vibrates suddenly on my palm. I take no time to put it on my ear. "Hello!" There's a high chance I surprised whoever it is on the other line with the harsh tone I use. Because it seems like it when I see Sehun jerks back to his seat.

"Doctor Oh?" I scrunch my brows before checking the caller. Detective Park Chanyeol. It has been quite a while since I get in contact with him, we were working on together in forensics for the Sewol Ferry Disaster when I still had Sehun's last name for him to call me that. I haven't told him I'm no longer Oh family, obviously.

"Detective Park," again I feel Sehun's gaze fall on me in instant.

"I'm sorry to call you so suddenly, do I bother you?" In the background, sirens ring obnoxiously. I can't shake the feeling something is going up right now. I sit straight up as if doing so would help me to concentrate on his words. It'd better be a serious matter if the police seeking my help after years.

"No, of course not. Is there anything I can do for you?"

"There's a massive fire in an apartment in Hongdae, 95 casualties had found and still counting. We need more hands to identify the remains"

Without so much as thinking, it comes natural to me to agree. "Send me the location, I'll be there in a few minutes" the detective replies in gratitude, with the same name attached to my title afterward. I should tell him about it sooner.

Before I could say anything, Sehun beats it to me. "What's wrong?" I turn at him to see a frown upon his face, the first time I get to see it after a while, even when I was childishly throwing tantrum in the past days, he never frowns. He just doesn't, especially with me.

"The police required me for forensic. Sehun, I'm sorry I have to go. Thank-"

"I'll go with you" his hand catches my wrist. I shake my head, "no, Sehun. I-"

"I insist" his stern voice cuts me. From the poor light of the screen illuminating his face, I can tell how serious he takes his words. But, I can't let him to do that. It just doesn't make sense to me for him to go.

"You don't have to" I say to him. And I hope he understand that he doesn't need to feel obligated. Because it's unnecessary. This is my job, putting myself second to the others. Put someone else we barely know before our self, isn't this what we do, Sehun?

As if he heard the question I ask him inside my mind, he starts to let go of my hand. He knows I'm right, just the way I expect him to be. "Okay" he says, and I can't read what's going through his skull while he's not looking at me. He's hard to read. Only thru his eyes he shows his emotion, and now he doesn't let me to see it.

"Thanks for tonight, I'll be going now" before I manage to stand up, his hand lays atop mine, halting my movement.

"Are we okay?" The words echo inside me. I can't help to wonder how I find this question simple, yet tricky to answer.

Are we?

What kind of answer he wants to get? It's dark, I begin to curse the unstable light. I can't see anything but a faint outline of his chiseled face. I lost the chance to read him when he's straight looking at me now. "We're okay" and I hope that's enough.

He finally let go of my hand, "be careful" he says. I smile despite the darkness. I could careless if he doesn't see it. His simple, but considerate words just do things to me. I won't blame if his patients are getting the best comfort words coming out from him. "Sure. Goodnight, Sehun"

And just like that I part with him tonight. Through the entire journey, I keep thinking about me and Sehun, about how hardly I see something bad in Sehun, even when I try so hard to find a reason to blame him. It's just doesn't feel right, hating him doesn't feel right. People makes mistakes all the time, so does Sehun. I believe Sehun is a good man, despite the mistake he did in the past. But it just shows me that Sehun is not for me. And I'm not for Sehun. We don't belong together. It amazes me how a night can change anything, make me see things clearer. Two magnets of the same pole can't attract each other. Maybe now I can relate it to 'a doctor dating a doctor'. Funny, but I can't laugh when all years I turn blind eyes to the bitter fact that no matter how much effort we put to make things work, eventually it wears out. Love isn't supposed to tire us out. I'm not strong, we're not strong enough to cope with all these obstacles coming through our marriage. Perhaps this is what happen when you were married to the man you dated only for six months. And tonight, as I drive to fulfill my duty as a doctor, is more than a prove that we can't be together, not when we keep putting our vows in the altar second to the oath we made with white coat hanging on our shoulder.

 

 

  

**Sehun**

"You don't have to" and once again he reminds me the boundaries he built between us. I don't know how hard I need to try to get through inside, no doubt it would be higher than before. Tell me what should I do for you to break the walls without me have to climb it, Lu.

Maybe I shouldn't show it too much, it would only make him shut himself off more towards me. I have no choice but to acknowledge the barrier stood tall around him. "Okay" reluctantly releasing my grip on his small wrist.

He looks so thin and fragile, makes me want to protect him even more. "Thanks for tonight, I'll be going now" no, Luhan, wait. I grab his hand on the armrest, enough to stop him from going. It's hard to see him go. He can blusters in rage at me, and I'd still want him with me. I don't want this night to end. I'm not sure myself if I get another chance.

"Are we okay?" I just need to know if we are. The insurance right coming from him. "We're okay" that's all matters for now. We're back to zero. If this is what it means to gain his trust back, then I'll go all the way to get it.

"Be careful" every words I've said to him, never once it holds nothing but how much I mean everything when it comes to him. I wish I can drive him, or better be there with him. Yet I know right now isn't the smart choice. I truly worry for his well-being. What if he works himself too much? The picture of his pale face nights before, laying in bed flashing on my mind. The worst scenario could happen.

"Sure. Goodnight, Sehun" and he leaves me alone with his favorite movie still playing. My eyes trail after him until he disappears out of my sight. It scares me how a simple goodnight seems like a goodbye, and him saying we're okay is more than a mere relieving statement. It's like him burying the past, forgetting everything we ever had, that us never happened. That he doesn't only leave me alone in this cinema, but leaving me alone in the shadows of our past together for good. Is this what you really want?

All my resolution to have him back in my arms crumbles. I think about the reason why I let him go in the first place. If he doesn't want the same thing as me anymore, no matter how hard I try, then what's the point? Now that I've tried, do I have to keep pushing him to fall back in love, reminding him of the days we used to be?

My phone vibrates inside my pocket. Nothing's new as I accept the call. "Doctor Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you, but Doctor Song just call us he couldn't make it to hospital. It's an emergency-"

"I'll be there in a few minutes" I don't need to hear anymore of it as I trace Luhan's steps minutes ago to the exit.

The rational side of me telling me how complex things between us than I had initially thought. As much as I want to deny it, my consciousness finally admits that we can't be together. At the same time, the thought of giving up on him occupies my head through the entire train ride to the hospital. But my heart screams in long for him. I'm still madly in love with him, a lot than I can describe. I love him yet I can't have him. God, please tell me what to do. I've been suffering for letting him go once, and I don't think I can do it twice.

 

 

The water splashes against my face. I've been doing it for 5 minutes now. Gone are the blood splotches as I see myself on the mirror. But it's not the blood that I want to get rid off.

_The BP is 70/30 and keeps dropping down quickly!_

I cup the water running down from the tap, I let it splatter on my face, again, then again, and again. Until I open my eyes to see them redden. There in front of me is the most stupid cardiologist I've ever seen. For the first time, I've been so close to lose someone's life on the operation table just because of my stupid mistake.

My thoughts wander to every possibility I could think of. It's not about the patients, or the fact that I was in the brink to end a life not only a living human, but the position I've built so far in this hospital, yet I push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I should be worried about that, but I'm not. I could kill people and be careless like I just killed an ant, how could I not when all my colleagues keep asking each other how many persons we've killed to be this far, as if they're talking about the weather. Doctors kill to learn, but not me. Not every single human being ever been dead on my hands, I wouldn't let it happen, not ever since I met Luhan, the person I fall in love with.

Days and nights I spent to solve one case to another, thousands hours I spent in the operation room, even if it means coming home at late night, the lesser time I got with Luhan. Which led us to this unwanted separation. Just because I want to be deserved.

Luhan can’t die. I wish it would never happen, but I realize it’s not something I have control over. It makes me feel useless and powerless. This is the only way I know. I want nobody else but me to deserve the trust when time comes. He doesn’t deserve to die by a careless mistake I made. I feel anger surges in me as I stare back at the pathetic doctor before me.

I hear a crash, then I no longer recognize the face which now shattered into pieces with red oozing in between the cracks. I don’t feel anything but rage to numb the pain. Right in this moment, I feel even more stupid to see my fist collides against the mirror, bleeding profusely. What did I do?

Quickly I turn on the tap, running the water over the blood. Why I become so stupid? I used to have something to control me, even when Luhan left. This careless person isn’t me. Definitely not me. I wouldn’t do something to put Luhan in danger. This hand is the only thing that would keep Luhan safe. And now it wounded.

As realization comes down on me, so is the pain. I wince when I try to move my knuckles. I supposed to learn more, study and practicing, not getting myself into another trouble and thoughtless action. Right. I should study. I really should.

I hastily turn off the tap, and make way to the door. Then there, I see Luhan after a week long since the night I ponder everything we had. Stupid as it might sound to let him go. I can’t, no matter how it seems to be the best choice if I were to think rationally, I just can’t. I love him too much.

I smile when he sees me. His face turns shocked like he doesn’t expect to see me here. Why though? This is the emergency unit where I always expected to be here, every day, every second, even if it means leaving him alone at home. At our home.

Luhan rarely steps his foot into this room, yet somehow it becomes regular when he comes to visit me, bringing along a Chinese take-out for dinner after an endless hour of operation. Now to see him here brings me back to the old times we spent together. I stay rooted on the ground as he approaches me in some kind of hurry. I’m not going anywhere, Lu, I want to tell him that, his presence alone here is enough to make me feel so weak to say anything. He looks fine and healthy. That’s all I need to know.

My love says something back to me, but I can’t hear him. His frowns go deeper, like he’s going into panic. My brows furrow in question. What happened, love? I hate to see him this upset, I try to reach for his face, tilting his cheek to look at me. And I see two things: His unshed tears, and my blood painted his cheek.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

I pack my things into my bag. Finally I’m done for the day. Being a dentist takes a lot of energy, you know. Especially when it requires a surgery. It quite leaves me drained out all day. I try to roll my shoulder to ease the knot. A warm bath would be nice. I need it more than anything right now.

Just before I step out the office, the landline rings. My thought battles over whether I should pretend I don’t hear it, or I take it and deal with whatever it is going to be, which means there’s a high chance I won’t be home in an hour or maybe two. I sigh as I walk back inside. I’m not the type to ignore such a thing.

“Hello”

“Lu? Thank god, you’re still here” I almost rolling eyes at that. I get the feeling he’s about the dump me a worst case. I can’t help to feel suspicious. He’s Zhang Yixing, the cunning guy I know all years.

“What is it this time?”

I hear Yixing releases a deep breath, “I’ll tell you when you’re here”

 

 

A male. 17 years old. TMJ dislocation. Cause: fell from the bike on a street racing. No other major injuries, just a few scratches. Vital signs normal. Compos mentis. And lastly, an uncooperative parent.

“Please save my son’s life” I glance at Yixing who stands next to a crying woman, supposedly the boy’s mom. “We will do our best, ma’am. Please calm down and pray” Yixing pats her shoulder in consolation. Then I glance back to the boy whose jaw hangs open without expression. I think he’s getting used to his overdramatic mother. It’s not even a life-threatening situation, but with the woman’s constant cries, it seems like one.

Yixing looks up at me, motioning to the seated boy with his chin. “What are you doing?” He mouths. Before I could reply back, he talks to the mom, “my friend here is going to help your son. He’s one of the best doctor we have” my face scrunches in protest at that, he’s clearly throwing this all on me. I’ve only been handling this case once. There’s no need for me to do it since we have Doctor Ahn. The lady looks up in a shinning hope within her eyes that I have to change my face into a charming doctor like those in Korean Drama Yixing devotedly watching during the break. She grabs my hands tightly, “oh God, thank you, thank you so much” I only gulp nervously, whilst maintaining the warm facade on. “I’ll try my best, ma’am. But before then, I have something to discuss with my colleague, now please excuse me” I drag Yixing far enough from them to hear us.

“What the fuck, Xing? You know I’m not up for this case” He flinches as I snap at him. He looks so frustrated, how come it’s not when we both got C in this subject, and with him drag me in doesn’t even help, we’re practically doomed. “Lu, I’m sorry, but Doctor Ahn is in Daegu right now”

“Then why me?” I cry out, almost as frustrated as him. “At least you got C+” my jaw drops, I can be classified in the same case with that boy in the other room undoubtedly. There’s no need to deny that Zhang Yixing is a brilliant dentist, but other than that, I swear he could be dumber than a monkey. This guy is unbelievable.

I release a long breath, then proceed to walk away, “Luhan, please” Yixing tails after me, he’s persistent, so I know he wouldn’t back down easily. Then again, knowing me, I won’t make it easy for him either. I refuse to give him the satisfaction with his annoying whines. I let him follow me around. Seems like I’m giving a free entertainment for everyone as I found some nurses giggling.

“Luhaaaannn” he whines, and still I choose to ignore him. “Lu, I’m begging you” I keep nonchalantly strolling, greeting the hospital staff every then and now.

“God, okay! I’ll take over your shift on Friday” as he says that, I halt my step. My lips stretch in mischief. I turn around to find him raising his hand in surrender. Nice offer, Zhang Yixing.

I give him a peck on cheek, “deal” nothing beats the defeated looks on his face as I walk pass him who releases a relieved sigh, making my way back to the mother-son duo. It seems like they’re startled by my abrupt arrival, pulling the curtain aside. “Okay, let’s get it done” I put the latex upon my hands.

The mother’s face flitters between worry and relief while watching me wraps a bandage on each my thumb. Mom’s instincts are the scariest as if she could sense the danger awaits for her son, she asks, “are you sure?”

I’m not, honestly. But it’s the least thing she needs to hear, so with a reassuring smile, I reply, “your son is going to be alright” which partially true, yet the question is, whether he’s going to suffer a little with me or not. “So please if you may wait outside” I call to Yixing, and he immediately ushers the lady out, whispering comforting words along the way, including tons of praises to my career achievement, aside from the C+ record, of course. What the heck.

Unconsciously, I take a deep breath. The high school boy remains still as ever, like he’s done with whatever shits thrown over his way, I bet he is. He looks like a rebel type. Taehyung, his name tag says.

“So Taehyung,” he finally looks up at me, “I know sugar-coating things won’t do me any good, therefore I’ll tell you I’m not best at this. I got C+, my friend there” I motion to where Yixing disappeared into, “he got worst. Then it left me the best choice you have. But, I’ve done this before. Don’t worry” Yet the boy’s face shows the opposite, his façade turns pale in a sudden. His eyes dilate in horror as I start to place my hands on his jaws, then my thumbs into his mouth, resting upon the posterior teeth “just relax and it’ll be over before you know it” it sounds like I’m telling myself, not the other way around.

Slowly, I move my hands to push down the mandible. “Just take it easy, and slowly...” I can feel the jaws shift under my careful movement. Easy, Luhan. You did great. Just a little more... Until the jaws suddenly snap shut, I hear a scream.

 

  
I would never do this again. Never. I swear it hurts like hell when I keep whimpering as I begin to untangle the gauze off from my thumb. I tear the gloves to see them swollen, while the left one bleeds. Fuck.

Even Yixing doesn’t help me when he, along with the panic mother, found me there screaming with my fingers sandwiched in between his son’s clamped mouth. Instead they fuss over the boy, asking whether he’s alright, when it should be me! I’ll definitely kill Zhang Yixing someday. Junmyeon could cry over his widow status and I would still don’t give a shit.

I grab some bandage, alcohol, and scissors before striding my way to rinse the blood off when I see a familiar figure standing there. On his right, drop after drop pooling next to his slippers. My feet are running to him, “Sehun, what happen?” His scrubs dotted in damp scarlet. My hands are all over him to find any other wounds that could hurt him. Oh Sehun, what did you do?

My mind goes wires with the possible scenario that bring him into this state. His knuckles wounded so badly while it keeps oozing more blood down the floor. I can’t seem to find anything because all I could see is water blurring my vision. I don’t understand why my eyes are tearing up, ‘till I meet his.

 

 

Magnet attracts different poles. Sehun doesn’t act on impulse. Unlike me. And it left me questioning his injured hand whilst picking the shards embeds the cut. He clearly smashed the mirror in the sink. It’s just so unlikely ‘Sehun’ to do something recklessly as hurting himself. He’s the most rational guy I know, and him doing this just doesn’t occur to my sense.

Or maybe his reason is too strong? Something must be bugging him to feel pressured. Is it work? Yeah, his life is revolving around his bright career. But he’s handling them fine, well at least I think it’s more bearable than me. Then, is it someone? I realize I don’t know a thing about Sehun’s love life. I don’t know if he had a lover after me. As if on cue, my mind tries to picture a domestic Sehun, wearing a loose tee shirt and sweatpants, walking bare-footed on the kitchen, hugging someone else from behind.

_Can I have you for my breakfast?_

I shake my head inwardly, somehow hoping to erase the memory out of my brain. He can do it with whoever he wants and I’m not suppose to care. Then-

“Why were you crying?” My hands freezes in the middle of binding the bandage. I almost believe it’s me asking myself the same question, except it’s not. I clutch the fabric hard. Why?

“It’s nothing serious. ” I shrug nonchalantly, hoping he would buy it. Because if not, I’m not sure he would believe me when I say I have no answer to that. I really don’t, or perhaps I simply don’t want to keep guessing things. It’s tiring and dangerous, I know. Then I feel his gaze fall upon my sore thumb. “Let me check it” he reaches with his left hand.

“I’m fine” I try to retreat my hand on his. “It doesn’t look good, and you’re crying” he pulls my hand back towards him, “it’s just a small wound” I refuse to give in. I don’t think if I can bear some more minutes with him. It’s confusing. All I want to do right now is go home and forget everything. We’re in good terms now. I just have to keep it that way.

“Let me fix you” his hold on me firm and gentle at the same time to the point where I almost fall to believe this was Sehun who held my hand. My Sehun with our marriage band on his finger. Not Doctor Oh Sehun who’s still using his wedding ring, even two years after their broken marriage.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

It’s always been those eyes. Those eyes which right now looking at me the way they used to be. I miss them. More than anything. If only I could turn back time, basking in those gaze every second while I can. Because it pains me to realize I don’t know if I have the second chance to see it again. The hope swells in my chest. I know I have to make him mine, the second time. I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t. I hardly stay sane in these past days.

“Luhan, I-“

“Luhan!” The curtain drawn to reveal Yixing’s presence. Suddenly, the warmth of his hand leaving mine. Not even a minute, and I already miss it. “I’m looking for you everywhere, good thing I found you on the CCTV” Spontaneously, I look up to the camera at the corner.

_I-I... ah, I need you, Doctor Oh._

Yixing bends his knees as he tries to catch his breath. Oblivious to the blossoming red on Luhan’s cheeks when our eyes meet. He quickly stands up on his feet. No need to confirm he was thinking the night we got caught, making love in this very same bed.  
“What’s wrong?”

“The boy’s mom wants to meet you, she looks like she’s ready to worship you like some goddess to save her son” Yixing rolls his eyes. Luhan presses his lips to a thin line before muttering an okay.

“Come back here afterward, I’ll tend your finger” I wrap the gauze where Luhan left off on my knuckles. Actually, I don’t need someone to take care of the mess I made. But seeing Luhan worrying about me only makes me want to punch anything with my unwounded hand.

“Thank you, but I guess I’ll just get going home” he checks his watch then frowning. I can tell he still doesn’t like coming home late. For some reasons, I feel guilty eating me up from the inside.

The frown changes into surprise when he found me holding both of his hands. My thumbs draw soothing circle over the back hands. I kind of expect he might pull his hands like he did before, but he just stays still, letting me touch him.

I lean in to kiss his fingers, all of them. My lips linger on his thumbs longer, pecking on them tenderly. They smell like antiseptic I breathe everyday, but I can’t help to take it deeply into my lungs, filling this new memory of him I’m craving so much. I can’t forever sleeping in the same white tee shirt he used to love to wear even though it looks baggy on him. Or neither I can keep breathing into the only thing he left in our apartment whenever those days I miss him become so hard, his white coat.

I begin to feel weary having him easily break my decision to move on every time I see him. I have million reason to get over him, but on the other hand, I do have one good reason to keep stay like this. Then how long this will continue?

I sigh against his warm fingers, reminding myself this might be the last time I get to hold him. What I’m going to say, it could turn into a whole bad or good thing to us. I close my eyes, mentally preparing myself, then softly murmuring the words, “tell me you don’t want this anymore, and I’ll stop”

It renders me a pregnant silent. The wait is agonizing, yet it’s nothing compared to two years we’ve been apart. Two more minutes won’t hurt, right?

“Then stop”

But I’m wrong.

 

 

0520

The green light beeps before I push the front door open. I leave the room dark, save it for the moonlight penetrating through the glass sliding door. My shoes scuffle against the wooden flooring as I stride into the source of light. I stand before the glass, the snow keeps falling to the ground, uncaring of the lone sad pine tree they rain upon in the middle of the white coated garden. I smile apologetically at the sight.

_I want a pine tree in our future house someday. So we don’t need to buy a Christmas tree anymore. And when it begins to snow, I bet it’ll look like a snow globe. Wouldn’t that be amazing, Sehunnie?_

It does, Lu. But how ironic is that you’re not here, in our house you’ve dreamed of.

 

 

_I knew by the time my eyes fell on the brochure someone mindlessly passed me at the mall, I fell in love with this house. Just like how I fell for Luhan. I could literally see our future here as I stepped inside, without the real estate agent’s rambles about the facility it has or the installment they provided, I would still buy the house willingly. Our house._

_Living in an apartment at the centre of the city was enough for us, but having a house in the outskirt seemed so tempting. We might take more time to commute back and forth, yet Luhan’s worth the best. Maybe I would ask him to resign from Yonsei, then applied to a nearby hospital or perhaps we both would._

_Luhan and I had spent most of our life in the hustle bustle of city, I thought it was the right time to take a break and enjoy our life, just the two of us. A child would be perfect, but it would still be a long way to go there._

_Tonight I would tell him about our future house as our second anniversary gift. Although I felt bad for make him waiting since I promised him I would be home earlier today. I just got time to sprinkle roses petals in our supposed bedroom. Not to mention the traffic jam was awful on Friday. Thinking about how Luhan would react after I broke the news was the only thing which make me smile through the agonizing journey. My mind kept playing the scenario of my plan. How perfect it would be._

_“Baby, I’m home” I took off my shoes, changed them into a pair of yellow chicks slippers. I marched through the hall to find Luhan sat on the couch, watching some late night movies. I knew I had to coo him if he happened to sulk because of my tardiness. Make up sex would be nice, but smelling a disinfectant on your partner wasn’t much of a great turn-on. As much as I want to jump him right away, I badly need a shower._

_I strode to where he was seated, face clear of any expression and I felt so sorry to be the cause of it. I crouched to sniff on his hairs, kissing his temple then his cheek, “I’m sorry, baby. I got an emergency call again, but I’ll make it up to you, hm?” No answer. Then that would mean I should try harder this time. “I’ll take a shower, then we’ll talk. Okay?” My digits caressed his soft strands, and still no words came out from him. I kissed the corner of his mouth before standing up, “I love you” I said, proceeding to the bathroom when his voice halted me, “no, you don’t”_

_Cold and distant, I almost didn’t recognize it. He never talked like that, at least not to me. I turned around to see his void stare directed at me, “what do you mean?”_

_It took a full minute before he spoke with that foreign tone, “don’t ever you say you love me, again. Because you don’t”_

_I was shocked to hear him saying some kind of non-sense I never thought about, I let out a mirthless laugh to ease the tension, “Lu, if this is a prank you pulled at me, it’s not funny, okay? You scared me”_

_“Do I look like some joke to you?” Like a thunder stroke me in the middle of day, my body felt paralyzed and so my heart. I tried so hard to think of anything which trigger all of this. I made mistakes all the time, I was aware of that, but to the point he said such a thing was never crossed my mind. I walked back to him, sitting right next to him, yet it felt like he was so far away, out of my reach. “It’s not that, I love you so much. Please believe me”_

_“If you do, you won’t keep me waiting every night, leaving me alone in bed after a call, or even choosing your work over this day. Am I that petty to you? I’m tired of being aside. So tired” a tear left his eyes after he said those words. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t. He just didn’t understand._

_“Luhan, you don’t understand” my hands found his, and he quickly swatted them away, “what is it that I don’t understand?” He stood straight up before me, his eyes filled with something akin to hatred._

_“I’m doing this for you” I followed him to stand up._

_“Then where are you when I need you?!” He jabbed a finger on my chest, and it burned like he stabbed me with a knife._

_“I loved you with all my heart yet all you did is hurt me! It hurts to wait, it hurts to be left alone, it hurts to be with you! I hate you! I hate you!” Luhan kept punching me, tears running down heavily on his cheeks. My heart broke into pieces to hear it, to see him crying. I let his fist pounded on me if it made him felt better._

_After a moment, he eventually stopped, and I took the opportunity to gather him into my arms, “Luhan, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-“ he broke from my embrace to look at me with burning rage._

_“Million times you said sorry, but still you keep repeat the same mistake. You never truly meant it”_

_I was desperate, afraid, and confused. I want my Luhan back. I prayed for the time to rewind itself before all of this happened. “Let’s talk this down” I hold his sides, hoping he would listen to me this time._

_He didn’t budge when my hands lied upon his tense shoulders. I thought he’s finally calming down, until his next words shattered me._

_“Divorce me”_

_I want to laugh out loud. This is ridiculous. My Luhan would never say such a thing. There must be a mistake. “Luhan I know you’re mad, you’re not in your right mind to make a hasty decision like that”_

_“But I don’t want to be with you anymore!”_

_The day I decided to tell my mother about marrying Luhan, she told me marriage was a two-way thing. I love him, he loves me. That’s how it works. Then what’s the point in keeping a marriage where one’s love is no longer there?_

 

 

The ringing alarm wakes me up. Seven-thirty. I put aside a thick journal book off my chest to sit up. A cruciating shoot up through my skull when I did. I pinch the bridge of my nose, suddenly remembering I drank too much caffeine last night.

I look for Junmyeon’s contact, then pressing the call button. It beeps four times before his voice registers from the other line, “hello?”

“Hyung, I’m not sure I can go to work today. I got migraine this morning” my fingers try to massage my temples. God, I almost forget what a hangover feels until this day.

“Have you eat? I left a seaweed soup in your refrigerator last night” Junmyeon could be a mother than my own sometimes. He’s always be there whenever I need him, even in my hard times. I feel grateful to have someone like him that I can depend on. “I, uh... I’m not in my apartment right now”

“What? Where are you?” His tone turns worried.

“The house”

I found solace in this place, where Luhan no longer provide me. Although it lacks of furniture and other necessities doesn’t hinder me from seeking its comfort. I was planning to let Luhan’s choices fill the entire place. Since he hadn’t had the opportunity to do so in our apartment, it leaves me with a single king size bed I’m sitting on and nothing else.

A long exhale could be heard. He’s not too fond of the idea that I still hang on to the past. He knows how fucked up I was in that time. I would understand if somehow he’s hiding about Luhan’s return. Junmyeon and Yixing had been our best of friends. My friendship with Yixing might be a little off after the divorce, since he’s on Luhan’s side, which make things awkward for Junmyeon whenever his husband and his best friend in the same room. As time passed, it becomes clear the two decide to support us in different path.

“Do you need me to pick you up?” I pull myself up, at the same time, an abrupt dizziness attacks me right on the head. “No, I’ll stay here for a while before going home” sounds of dry petals crushed under my shoes accompanies every step I take, out to the hallway while Junmyeon keeps rambling about how troublesome it is for me to be here that he couldn’t easily take care of me. Sometimes he forgets that I’m a doctor too, a professional one, mind that, yet he still lectures me how to take care of myself.

I can’t seem to hear anything he says when a great headache pounds within my skull. “Sehun? Are you there?” I grip on the banister hard, slowing down in descending the stairs as my sight turns into a haze. I try to shake my head, “Sehun, answer me” but it just worsens.

I don’t remember anything else afterward apart from Junmyeon’s hysteric calls before I close my eyes.

 

 

“As you can see here, Doctor Oh, your skull looks fine, no concussion, everything’s good, you just plainly fainted from exhaustion” I look at the radiograph on the screen so I can guarantee he’s saying the truth, well it’s not like that I’m doubting my senior, it just I need to make sure to give myself a reassurance. And he’s right, I can see no abnormalities in each angles of those film. I almost breathe a relieved sigh when he interrupts, “however, I’m afraid I can’t say the same for your metacarpal bones, Doctor Oh”

The X-Ray of my hand appears displacing the previous one. I don’t need to squint my eyes to know where the problem lies. “The impact of the blow cracks the head of the fourth and fifth metacarpal, and with the recent fall only severs the injury which leads to fracture bones. After a closer exam and radiographs, no surgery needed for this case. But, I’m sorry to say that I suggest you don’t involve in any surgery for a few weeks. You’ve been doing so much for this hospital, Doctor Oh. Take a break for your own good, will you?”

 

 

 

**Luhan**

_My hot body hit the mattress with another weight upon me. I kissed him hard so he knew I missed him so much. He had been tired after work these days, and we hadn’t made love in two weeks that I had to finger myself like a pathetic loner._

_It was frustrating, ever since I got a taste of his well-endowed cock and long fingers inside me, I can hardly cum with my own fingers. And tonight I finally had him devouring me by the time I let the silk robe fell right after he stepped out the bathroom. Sehun is easy to lure, especially when you show him the thing he wants before his eyes._

_I arched my back, letting out a soft gasp while burying my fingers through his hairs. “Aah- Sehun” I fisted the strands to channel my frustration on having his mouth sucking my nipple, whilst his lubed digits going in and out inside of me._

_I felt triumph to hear his frustrated growl. He moved to the other nipple, giving it the same attention like an eager baby sucking on his mother tits. His left hand reached for my ass cheek, kneading them almost roughly. As the fingers scissored their way open, my moans getting louder which I knew made him pulled them out immediately._

_“Oh, Luhan, you don’t know what you’re getting into”_

_He stood tall on his knees, watching me with some kind of hunger filled his dark orbs. I dared to look southward where his hand urging the big angry cock into full hardness, he then startled me with a harsh pull on my hips, resulting in my ass lifted in the air while my legs spread open awkwardly. His shaft gradually pushed into my hole had me rolled my eyes in ecstasy. I bunched the sheet hard until my knuckles turned white._

_“God, Lu, I haven’t fucked you in weeks and you become this tight. Imagine how crazed I was on our first night” his hips started to shift slowly, more like a lazy nudge against me who gasping in absolute bliss. I could recall the night we consummated our marriage, he came not even 5 minutes after having his balls deep inside me. And now in the span of time we spent together, he’s becoming a sex god he is right now. He should thank me for being a punching bag his dick could jab into._

_“Ah! Ah! Ahh!” I screamed in tempo with the increasing cant of his sinful pelvis. Sehun bended forward, caging me in between his arms on either side of my head. “Open your eyes, I want to see you” he said softly, despite the harsh thrusts he impaled on me. He might saw me, literally. But I knew better what he meant by that, he wanted look right into me, to see the reflection of lust and love like his own when I obliged to stare back. It was enough of a turn on for both of us as he grunted whilst shallowly pounding in urgent pace. “Luhan... Luhan” his deep voice sent a shiver to my spine made me gasp in passion._

_Suddenly he gathered me into his arms, bringing us to sit upright before he grabbed my ass to lift me bounced on his cock. I planted my feet on the sheet, moving up and down on his laps like bunny in heat, teasing him with a lilt of my moans. Oh, how I wished I had that rabbit ears with me right now. “Sehunnie...” my fingers went to cradle his face, brushing over his scrunched eyebrows. “Is it good? Am I good?” He buried his face to my neck, leaving some hickeys which I bet Yixing would tease about the whole day._

_“So good, Lu, you feels so good” his mumble muffled against my collarbones. He sped up, as the same time our moans getting boisterous. Instinctively my arms circled around his head. I threw my head back in ecstasy to let him wreck me even more. “Lu, ohh, I think I’m going crazy over here”_

_Without warning Sehun proceeded to get us out the bed, standing straight making me yelp in surprise while he continued to angle his cock deeper. My arms scrambled to take a hold on his sturdy shoulders. He chuckled, “I won’t let you fall, Lu. At least if it’s not onto my cock” fuck, he sounded like he hadn’t been working on a six hours operation with his firm grip on my waist propelling us together. The thought drove me delirious with lust, “s-stop talking, you’re making it harder”_

_Again he chuckled amusedly, how the hell he could laugh so casually when I’m nearly over the edge to burst any moment? “What? This little friend of yours?” He took my cock in between his fingers, maneuvering his hand in tandem with his thrust. Oh, God, he’s so great in bed, or off, whichever applied to make me this mad. My breath hitched when he abruptly dropped himself on top of me back to the bed that I swear his balls almost breached past my swollen orifice._

_He pulled out in a sudden, I was ready to protest before his strained voice commanded, “turn around” and I complied like a loyal puppy to its master, presenting my glistening hole to him. I wiggled my butt which earned a slap in return, “no tease, naughty boy” then I felt him slid in, completing me in any way possible. I was easily dragged back into clouds as the blunt tip kept poking me on the right place. My jaws hang open with the quickening breath I released every then and now. His poundings went frantic with need, the vise-like grip on my hips put me stay still despite the force._

_A few shove later, his body caged mine, his chest against my back. I didn’t care anymore if our neighbor gave us a stink eye tomorrow because of me being this loud. “Harder, p-please, fuck me harder” I heard his chuckle before he angled his thrusts harder, deeper, jolting me forward with the smacked sound echoed every time his hips meeting my cheeks. “How about now, Doctor Oh Luhan? Feeling better?” The husky voice braced my ears, sending wave of pleasure by the time his hands found my reddened nipple and shaft to toy with. I only whimpered in response, couldn’t get myself to form any coherent words in this state when he fucked me real good._

_“I would take that as a no? Then I have to inject you with my cum, do I have your consent, Doctor?” The suggestion got me moaned long enough as I spurted robes into his hand. My body went limp, falling forward unto the spoiled sheet. He released a sound of disappointment, “well, I know we’re doctor, but I should be the one who’s going to inject you now, not the way around” he sped up his movement, fucking my sensitive body into the mattress. My face half mushed on the linen, drooling as my mouth left open to whimper out a breathless cry. “Come on, Luhan, one more time, hmm?” He snuggled his face to the back of my neck, inhaling my scent._

_“I can’t Sehun... not this fast” I really can’t. I came hard a minute ago, and he knew it took time before we could get another round. He still rock hard inside me, suddenly I felt bad for him. I was the one who lure him after all._

_“You’re so warm and tight. I want to come inside of you so bad, really really bad, and it’s your fault” Sehun spooned me to the sides, even still with his cock embedded in me, refusing to pull out. God, he would be the death of me someday with his stubbornness. He lift my leg, then started to thrust up slowly whilst sucking on my neck. His deep growl rang on my ear, before he bit it. Sometimes I hated that he knew well of my erogenous spot as I felt my urges came back to life. “Nngh... Sehun...” I found purchase on his hair, scratching his scalp to let him know how great it felt. He still went with the constant pace as he peppered love bites around my neck. “Doctor Oh, I... want you... to kiss me” I said breathlessly, turning my head to see him._

_He looked up and pulled one of his corner lips into a teasing smirk “my pleasure” he said before dove in to my mouth in a searing kiss. Sehun rammed in a new ardor as he swallowed my contented sigh. It was even better than before, a toe-curling sensation tingling my whole body which had me clenching hard around him. “Lu, fuck, I’m coming” I felt him twitching before a hot seed spilled inside, tainting my walls. I followed right after, soiled the sheet in sticky white. We moaned in utter delight. He held me close still even with our body drenched in sweat. His nose nuzzled my temple, as his cock continuously shooting its warm semen to the brim, lulling me to sleep._

_“Sleep tight my dear, I love you. So much than you ever know”_

 

  
_“Sehunnie, I made your favorite pancakes!”_

_“I’m sorry, Lu, I’m late for the meeting, not gonna blame you though. I think having you as my breakfast is enough. I must go now, I’ll see you at the hospital”_

 

_  
“Have you done with the rounds?”_

_“Yeah, but Junmyeon asked me to cover him tonight. You can go home without me, sorry babe, drive safely, okay?”_

 

_  
“Hello?”_

_“Sehun, it’s late”_

_“Lu, I’m sorry I don’t think I could make it home tonight. Don’t wait for me, alright?”_

 

  
_Sehun, I’ve booked the restaurant. I’ll pick you up at 7pm on the lobby._

_Actually, there’s an emergency operation at 6pm, and I can’t leave. Luhan, I’m really really sorry to text you just now. I’ll call Baekhyun to accompany you. Let’s move it to next Friday, yeah?_

 

  
_“Luhan, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-“_

_“Divorce me”_

_My eyes sprang open._

_The space beside me was empty. My hand blindly searched for the trace of him that was his warmth. It was cold._

_I pulled my body up. I tried not to wince at the pain shot through my spine. At least it was the only thing to remind me he was here last night. It supposed to be enough, right? But why these tears..._

_“Sehun...”_

_I realized one night wouldn’t change the fact that I still missed him. I met him from day to day, albeit it wasn’t everyday in these past week, yet the long would still there. It took quite some time until I finally figured it out that I missed our times together, his constant presence with me which became limited as time passed._

_“Sehun”_

_I called his name with no one to hear me. I didn’t know if I could look more pathetic than I was right now. I couldn’t contain my emotion when the first tear came to fall, splotching the quilt layered over my naked legs._

_“Sehun”_

_Within my blurry vision I saw the door opened, “Lu? Are you crying?” The figure came closer with a white coat draped over his forearm and a briefcase on hand. He strolled to my direction, “baby, what happened?” Then occupied the space next to me, dumping his things on the chair near the door beforehand._

_I reached for him, clinging to his sides as I sobbed into his navy shirt harder. “Was it nightmare?” His palm tenderly caressed my hair, putting me more at ease. While his question hang around in the air, I tried to rephrase it to myself. Is this a nightmare? Those repetition of him leaving me alone, can I call it a nightmare although it had been real? However the last one wasn’t. I would never divorce Sehun, why would I do that? But it felt so vivid that made me trembling._

_“Don’t leave me” with a scratchy voice I managed to croak out the words. It was the only thing I wished more than anything at this moment. Scared and vulnerable like the thought of him leaving me could devastate me into smithereens._

_“Oh, Luhan, I’ll be back before six pm, didn’t I tell you? It’s Sunday” it was Sunday, where we should be spent it together. We could ride a bike on the park, doing our monthly groceries, visiting the aquarium, or we could do absolutely nothing but still I would enjoy it, it wouldn’t matter as long as we’re together._

_His phone suddenly rang, breaking the silence. It happened thousand times already that it became unnecessary for me to confirm what it would all about. He picked it up immediately. “Hello?”_

_“Ah, the seminar?” At the mention of his schedule, I unconsciously tightened my arms around him. The thought of him leaving me had me so scared that I reluctant to let him go even if it would be no different than the usual days. “Hyung,”_

_“I don’t think I’ll come today” I looked up to see him staring back at me. “Yeah, it’s important. He,” he corrected. “He’s important”_

_“I’m here. I love you” he whispered only for me to hear as he kissed my temple._

 

  
I open my eyes. It was a dream. A collection of our memories once upon a time, and now they were just a mere dream. I try to touch my cheek to feel it wet of tears. I had been crying in my sleep. I almost think this is another dream my deep consciousness tries to create. But it’s not. No wedding frames, no his clothes pile up somewhere with mine, and no sign of him in this apartment. For the first time in two years I’ve spent living in this room, I start to realize how lonely I had been. I live with Kyungsoo, but nobody can deny the loneliness I feel right now.

“Sehun”

I don’t know why I say it.

“Sehun...”

And why am I trying. Even when I know he’s not going to be here.

“Se-“

Until I breakdown into tears in this memory less room, and still nobody come through the door, holding me like that day, saying the words I long to hear. Because I’m so scared he would leave me, when it was me who left him first.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

I can’t do anything for weeks. I’ll be a boring doctor who couldn’t do much with broken fingers. I’ll be useless without my hand. And now here I am sitting on the cafeteria, trying to lift up the spoon with my trembling left hand.

“No need to be shy, everyone will understand you and your broken hand. Let me feed you, say ah~” Jongdae tries to bring his own spoon towards me. This shithead clearly doesn’t know the word hygiene, I wonder how he dealt with the surgery, I bet the professors had to whack his head million times.

“Knock it off, Jongdae” I swat his hand away. He groans out loud, turning some heads to us. Geez, so much to not feel embarrassed. “Are you kidding me? You’re finally going to eat that pathetic spoon of soup by the time our break is over. Trust me” I choose to ignore him like usual, and keep trying my attempt to eat.

“Hey, Bae Joohyun!” I wince suddenly, not only because of his boisterous voice, but also the person he picks to call over. I curse any bad words my mind could form inwardly at Jongdae. He’s really a disaster.

The young doctor comes to our table, holding her tray as she greets us, “come join us” Jongdae invites her innocently. “Is it really okay?” I know her question directs specifically at me. I look at her, smiling politely, “sure” then she takes the seat beside me. “Thank you, sunbae-nim” Joohyun bows a little, both to me and Jongdae.

“Oh, drop the formalities. How many times I have to say that? Unless this brat keep letting you call him Senior?” Jongdae bluntly accuses, pointing a finger at me. I kick his shin under the table, hard enough to make him yelp. Joohyun hides her laugh behind her hand.

Any sane guy would say she’s pretty. I would admit she is, not to mention, a cum-laude medical student. Anything a parents would ask for a daughter-in-law. She graduated in United States, which pretty much explaining why she supposed to call me Senior despite we’re in the same age. It takes quite some time to gain a medical license in Korea.

She has been in her residency for a year more now, specializing in cardio. We’re working together most of the time, which make it isn’t too hard to notice when her behavior start to change. I feel bad that he has to fall for the wrong guy. A man who still deeply in love with his ex-husband, whose finger still lays a silver band around.

“-look at him stupidly try to feed himself! He even refused my offer to help him! What an ungrateful brat!” Jongdae keeps Joohyun entertained with his mocking jokes, whilst the pretty doctor chuckling gracefully. However I couldn’t ignore the hand lays casually on my arm as she laughs. “That’s just how Sehun sunbae is. He’s a strong-willed person. Even that one time he forgot to come home just because he wasn’t so sure about the diagnosis” Joohyun comments, then turns at me, “good thing I was there to remind you, or else you would be stuck in your office until morning” she says jokingly. “I have my wrist watch with me” I reply, feigning a nonchalant tone. “No way! I swear I remembered you said you left it at home before we did the rounds!” I crack a smile at that. “Ha! You liar bastard!” Jongdae shouts, I send him a glare, “watch your language, Doc”

“There’s no fun without using profanities. Don’t you agree, Joohyun?” She only giggles in response, shaking her head amusedly. “Don’t drag people to agree into your stupid logic” I warn him, finally deciding to stir the soup mindlessly rather than having him making fun of my effort to eat.

“You got cranky easily like an old man you are when you’re not fed well. Why don’t Joohyun help you?” The awkwardness between us suddenly palpable in the air, Jongdae being the dumbass he is, of course doesn’t realize this. I release an airy laugh to ease the moment, “he’s joking”

But I catch her flustered face before she pretends to play along, “Oh, really, I don’t mind. I know you must have a hard time, so may I?” Her chopsticks extended inches away from my mouth. I hate to see a glint of hope within her orbs every time she looks at me. Because I can’t give her the thing she wants. I can’t bring myself to love anyone other than him. I know I’m going to regret this.

I choke out a forced dry cough against my hand, hoping they would buy this, but as her eyes turn into disappointment, I know I failed miserably, “it’s your food. Besides, I’m not feeling well since yesterday. You’d better not catch my germs” I smile apologetically at her. I take a glance at my watch, I still have at least twenty minutes left before the lunch time ends, “Anyway, I gotta go. Junmyeon and I have some discussion regarding the Prime Minister’s surgery. I’ll see you guys around” and just like that I lied to them, trying to forget those sad eyes pleading me to open my heart which beating for someone else.

 

 

Luhan avoids me at all cost after our last conversation in the emergency room. It isn’t like he pretends not to see me, but rather he opts to lessen the chance for us to bump into each other. So far, he did great. I haven’t seen him in the whole week.

Having no operation scheduled quite leaves me bored. It was a living paradise at first, but after three days, I feel like sucked in a hell hole doing nothing. Junmyeon even suggests me to go for a holiday. Well, maybe I would gladly do if...

Really, I should stop involve him in my life. He had stated it clear, he wants nothing to do with me. I have no chance. Second chance comes if you’re lucky enough, and I guess I’m just... not.

But as if fate wants to fuck me up even more, there I see the source of my misery, sipping on a cup of Americano which I hate so much, with... another man. A familiar face, I don’t recall much as his name, yet I’m sure we have met somewhere.

He’s laughing.

“I can’t believe we really did it back then, Minseok”

Minseok.

Luhan’s schoolmate since middle school. Luhan only met him a few times when we were dating. He’s one of Luhan’s close friend, and I remember Luhan’s crestfallen face when he called he couldn’t make it to our wedding. I’m not sure but something about the way Minseok sees Luhan had been making me uneasy. Until today, I realize one thing.

“Sunbae, I found us a table” Joohyun walks from where supposed to be an available space in this crowded cafe for both of us. Suddenly my craving for hot chocolate since this morning just lose like that. I want to get myself disappear out of this place as soon as possible.

“Joohyun, I... something’s up so... maybe next time. I’m sorry”

I know I’m being a jerk to Joohyun. Especially when I know how she feels about me. I feel like an emotional teenager who couldn’t control his emotion. I’m in a mess right now, I should get away before I make another stupid decision.

I stride out the cafe, without knowing where my feet take me to. I can’t imagine Luhan with someone else even when the real picture had been right before my eyes. Luhan and Minseok. The thought gives me an unsettling feeling. I don’t realize where am I until a strong cool breeze hit my face as I open the door. My only sanctuary in this hospital, before and after Luhan left. The rooftop.

I release the doorknob, letting it close behind me. As though hypnotized by the sunset, I walk towards the railing. The metal feels freezing cold under my fingers despite the sun shines blindingly. My grip on the bar tightening, the icy surface starts to prick against my skin. At least it’s more bearable than the suffocating feeling inside. I have no idea to make it go away unless...

Let go.

_“No, I can’t Luhan. You know I can’t do that.” I tightened my arms, holding him close as I inhaled his scent as much as I could, not knowing whether this would be the last time he let me nuzzled my nose to his nape._

_“Sehun, I said let me go!” He pried my arms, breaking free from my reach. Then he twirled, facing me with so much emotion flashing through his glistening orbs. “Which word I’ve said that you don’t understand? Do you think I’m being impulsive here? I have this thought million times on my head, every time you leave me, every time you said sorry. There’s nothing you can do to change my mind. I’m done, Sehun. We’re done.” And he had his back turned towards me once again._

_“Luhan, please-“ my hand instinctively held around his forearm, preventing him to walk out the door. “Don’t touch me!” He yanked away my hand almost like it burned him. As he saw me took a step to him, he warned “If you step closer, I swear, I would never want to see your face ever again” and just like that he left me calling for his name behind the closed door._

“It would always been him” My eyes dilate in surprise. I pivot around to see someone has breaching my sanctuary, and it’s not Luhan.

“Joohyun... what are you-“

“Am I right, Sehun?” she says again. All my anger quickly vanishes when a single tear rolls down on her cheek. She never calls me with my first name. And I’m quite taken aback at the sudden change.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” I choose to lie.

Her calm facade suddenly turns into something else I haven’t seen before. “You know what?. I’ve never liked someone who doesn’t fall for me. They would confess to me. That’s how it supposed to be, but not you”

_I was waiting for him at the car park. He ignored me for days after he left our home, at least I knew he’s safe with Kyungsoo now. I could count on Kyungsoo if something happened to him, he promised me._

_I heard some footsteps approached, my ears perked up. I knew well of his gait, and this was his. I stood up from where I seated, been leaning on his car tires for an half hour, finally I met him. He looked surprised to see me popped up next to his car._

_“Sehun? What the hell-“_

_I smiled brightly at him, hoping to bring some friendly atmosphere between us, but it didn’t last long when I saw a box he was holding in his arms. “You resigned?”_

_He quickly recovered to unlock his car, then proceeding to load the passenger seat with the box, back to ignore me. “Lu, you’re taking it too far. I can change, if that’s what you want. We can start anew, baby, please” abruptly, he slammed the door. “Me? Taking it too far?” He laughed mockingly._

_“Listen here, Oh Sehun. I don’t love you anymore. We’re over. Is it too hard to understand?”_

_It is._

_“Stop pretending like you care when you don’t, okay?” I couldn’t mask the disappointment as the words pierced right through my heart. It hurt. But he didn’t mean it, he just... didn’t understand. We misunderstood things. “And stop sending flowers to my office, the nurse keeps sneezing, it’s annoying.”_

_He walked rounding the car, opening the driver’s door he said to me, “just sign the damn papers if you really meant what you say. I need a change, and it’s a life without you that I want right now. Maybe... just maybe, time will heal us, I don’t know.” He sighed a long deep breath, like he finally said the words he wanted to say. “See you at the court”_

_Even after the engine started roaring, leaving me alone as I watched the car getting smaller until it disappeared into the road, I still couldn’t get the words out of my mouth, the words which kept playing on my mind like a broken record._

“No matter how hard I try. You would never look at me.

“Even though I’m here right before you.

“I’m not the one you’re looking for.

“Why is it hard for you to open just a little bit of your heart to me?

“Why can’t you try to love me back?

“Am I that undeserving of your love?”

And this girl had said it all, the words I need to say. This girl is me. We’re in the same boat. I can see myself in her, crying for the love that seem out of reach, longing for the heart which doesn’t belong to us.

I walk closer to her. Slowly but sure I wound my arms around her shaking figure. She continues to cry in my arms. I pat her back to calm her down while I feel her embracing me tight.

“I’m sorry. Let’s give us a chance.”

Because if this girl is me, then this is what I want it to be. A chance that is.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

“Work yourself too hard, again, Doctor Lu?” Doctor Yoo looks up from his glasses perched low above his nose. I only smile sheepishly at him in reply.

“The pacemaker works just fine. Exhausting work, late nights, and your bad habit to take your meds irregularly might be the factors which triggered it as if you’re having attack.”

He sighs whilst turning over some pages on my medical record, “it won’t be good next time if you keep doing that. I wonder though why you still come here when you could have Yonsei cardiologist to tend you. We wouldn’t like something like before happened, would we?”

I might take all the blame to Oh Sehun though. I buried myself in the field of work just to take my mind off of him. It was the dark times I had to go through after we decided to live on our own. I kept going into relapse in my office last year, to the point they needed to take me into surgery. Of course Kyungsoo didn’t know this. I lied about attending an annual seminar in Jeju for a few days when in fact I was recovering in hospital. Nobody knew about this, the fact that within a span of two years I’ve been dealing with the relapse, until I got this pacemaker implanted upon my body, except me, Doctor Yoo, and his team. Also some of my colleagues in dentistry department came to visit. This divorce clearly plays a crucial part of my life, both physically and emotionally. I’ve never been this distressed, even back when I was in my study was nothing compared to what happened to my broken marriage.

There’s some risks bound to come if I keep being like this. I can’t tire myself out just to keep Sehun out of my thought.

“I know a cardiologist in Yonsei who could help you. He’s young but professional in many cases, especially yours. I’ll refer you to Doctor Oh Sehun-“

“No!” The doctor and the nurses both startle to hear my sudden outburst. I try to clear my throat while thinking about some rational excuses. “I would prefer you, Doctor Yoo. It’s all about patient’s adherence after all, right?”

He smiles softly at me, “of course” he says. Then he closes the medical record, “now to think about it, I think all you need is someone to take care of you. Don’t you think so, Doctor Lu?”

 

 

It’s just a joke. I keep telling myself what Doctor Yoo had said was nothing more than a mere joke. But I can’t help to think over it as I step out of his office.

Do I really need someone to take care of me?

I have Kyungsoo. And maybe Yixing on my beck and call, but deep down, I know it’s not the right answer. Kyungsoo have Jongin. Yixing have Junmyeon to take care of. I can’t have them prioritize me over their partner just because I’m... sick. It feels so wrong.

Is it time for me to find someone?

It has been two years after all. I’ve been ignoring every advance both men and women made to open my heart. It’s not that easy, then again, when will I try if I keep haunted by this feeling that I’m not ready to start over? Maybe I would never be ready, even two years doesn’t seem to be enough. I try to recall how to break free from the lock chained to my own heart, like how Sehun did so effortlessly. He crept into my heart without me knowing, until I found him been there for a while before saying yes to date him.

I feel too old to fall in love again. Let alone finding someone to trust. Nobody wants a broken pieces. I have nothing to offer but what remains of my heart, both literally and figuratively. It’s such an effort to gain my trust, and with me dying, there’s absolutely no reason left to love me.

Unless...

“Luhan?”

“M-Minseok?”

 

 

I don’t know where to start to talk about Minseok. He’s not a friend I grew up with like Yixing, but we share a lot in common. More than Yixing and I had, hence that’s why we hit it up in no time. He was my classmate and chair mate since Yixing got a separate class with us. I used to call him Xiumin, his Chinese name, back then in high school. Minseok spent his childhood in Beijing, because of his father’s work, which makes him speaks Chinese fluently.  
  
We support the same soccer team. We have a similar music taste. We both like cat as a pet. We’re so alike in so many ways which had me thinking if we somehow are a long lost twin brother. But, Minseok doesn’t think so. He didn’t say it out loud, yet his face when I said it tells me he strongly disagreed for some reason I had yet to know. Amongst many things we have in mutuals, there’s one thing that make a significant difference between us.

Our feeling towards each other.

I think it would be nice if I just fall for Minseok. He’s smart, funny, handsome, caring, and most of all, he has feelings for me. But love isn’t something I have control of, I can’t love him even if I choose to. Neither can I deny nor avoid the love I had for Sehun, even if I want to.

Minseok never confesses his love to me. He’s too afraid to ruin the friendship we’ve built so far, and I silently thank him for that. I don’t want to lose someone precious to me as Minseok.

It was cruel of me to ask him to be my best man on my wedding, but he’s the man who deserve it, and I want no one else. However I can’t help the disappointment to hear him saying he couldn’t make it. I didn’t know if he still had feelings for me at the time, which became the reason of his absence. But I would understand.

A week later, he came to me. He said he was going to continue his study in Germany. And he would go in 3 days from the day we met. I was upset to be told in such a short time, yet he made it up by saying we could stay in touch. I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, but after a few months, he suddenly disappeared. All my emails went unanswered, so did my calls. I haven’t met him again ever since that day we talked at the cafe near the hospital.

And today, there’s nothing much change from the Minseok he was two years ago, apart from his much shorter hair. He seems so surprised to find me in Seoul National Hospital, like he doesn’t expect me here.

And here we are, acting back like stranger. The awkwardness so dense with us seated next to each other on the plastic chair in the deserted hallway. No one says a thing for a moment. Questions are swimming on my head, but none of them I have the courage to pick to say it.

“You’re... back” I don’t know what to say except stating the obvious. The most prominent feeling amongst all is that I kinda feel down to know he doesn’t even bother to contact me until this day.

“And... You don’t even reply to my emails” And I don’t know what to feel. Anger, relief, sad, disappointment, everything come crashing down on me on the same time. I’m happy to know he’s fine and now we’re back in the same ground despite his sudden disappearance beforehand.

“I like you”

My head snaps up to look at him. He stares at the white plain wall ahead, his face shows like he didn’t say anything just moments ago, a confession I never think he would do, especially at this time.

“W-what?” my stutter with no doubt gives away my utter surprise.

“I like you, Luhan” eventually turning his head to me, he’s gazing right into my eyes. “And seeing you after all this time, it seems like I still do” I frown in return, really not knowing where the red string attached into, with my mind jumbled in a mess.

“I-“

“I’ve been keeping this feeling for quite sometime now. I guess I can’t keep it forever” he breaks the contact to stare at his fumbling hands. A dry laugh escapes his lips. “You always think of me as your brother, that’s where you overlook my love for you as something platonic when it’s not” this had me speechless. Never I imagine this day will come. My tongue feels numb to even say a word.

“And when you said you’re going to marry Sehun, I know my time’s up. I don’t have a chance left to make you mine.”

He sighs deeply, still wringing his fingers in between his palm. I just realized he looks skinnier and I can’t help to wonder what he had been doing. His cheeks are sunken, losing their plumpness from what I could remember. Have he eat well?

“I’m sorry for lying to you back then. I can’t be your best man because I can’t stand to witness the man I love married to another man. It’s my last straw” my eyes go rheumy to imagine the hard times he had been dealing alone. I can’t believe what a selfish jerk I was to him.

“I’m sorry to disappear like a coward. I think, that way I could forget the feeling I had for you. I think it works. But, with you here, I realize it was all in vain. I’m sorry, Luhan”

Before I can restrain myself, I lung to hug him. I cry to his shoulder. I’m the bad guy, why should he apologize? I don’t deserve to be loved by someone whose heart pure as Minseok. But at the same time, I long for it. I feel his arms circle around my body as I embrace him tight.

“No, Minseok. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry...”

 

 

The whole week spends in Minseok drives me home every evening. While catching up for the lost time in between dinners before going home. I tell him almost everything. About career. About my parents. About our high school homecoming which he missed. About the Chinese restaurant we used to visit. And about Sehun, about the divorce.

But he doesn’t see me any differently like I expect him to be. More importantly, he doesn’t think of me as a failure. He hardly change even for a bit like whatever happened to us was never happened. He still holds my hand whenever we cross the road. He still remembers how I like my coffee. Even now still he looks at me with the same gaze I used to have.

He thinks I’m being oblivious to his secretive glance, but I’m more than aware he did it six times this whole Sunday we passed together at the aquarium. We’ve arrived in my apartment’s basement minutes ago, since it’s snowing outside, but he makes no move to let me go out of his car just yet. It’s clear by the time his hand reaches to put mine over his laps as he intertwines them. He smiles ever so brightly to see me holding back his hand.

“I know it’s a little bit too fast,” he says, eyes still fascinated at our hands to even look at me. “But maybe it’s not if you look it from the years I’ve been liking you since high school” Minseok chuckles, whilst a smile tugging at my lips.

“I guess I don’t like you anymore” my brows rise in confusion. Obviously, his actions contradict of what he had just said. I don’t understand what he’s getting into. If he doesn’t like me anymore then why-

“I love you, Luhan” finally Minseok lifts his eyes to look at me. I can tell he means it by the way he holds his gaze towards me, nothing’s new yet it’s something I barely take notice of until now. My breath hitches as the realization settles in.

“You don’t have to say it right now. Tomorrow, next week, or maybe another year,” he laughs again, “if it what it takes for you to be ready, then I’ll wait” his hand gives me a gentle squeeze. Then he brings the back of my hand to his lips, “I’ll be waiting for you, Luhan”

 

 

His words stuck in my head for days. We still meet the next day, and so on which has been three days post the confession. But he never brings it up. Even when he says he’ll wait, I know I can’t let him do that. Years he had been waiting for me. I can’t put my fingers around the reason for me to make him wait a little longer. He’s the perfect guy I could ever ask, then what am I exactly waiting for?

I huff in distress as I bring my tray of food off the counter in search of vacant table. It’s hard not to notice Jongdae’s typical laugh which Sehun hated to guts, and had me turn around. By the time I do, my eyes fall on addition of the new figure. Usually Junmyeon would be there instead, but today I see some sort of change. A girl sits next to Sehun. Someone I’ve never seen before. She’s… beautiful.

I can’t deny the nagging feeling they had been close for some time with the way the girl casually lays her hand on him. They laugh together while I watch them from afar. Until I feel a slight throb of my heart as I see the girl proffers the chopsticks to Sehun’s lips.

I look away from the sight, putting off the lunch on the nearest table. My hand reaches to clutch at my heart. Why is it suddenly hurt?

My trembling hands try to fumble around inside my coat pocket. As it grasps a familiar bottle, I pop open the cap, then hastily plop a pill into my mouth, gulping the whole bottle of water afterward. I manage to take a steady breath to calm the pain. It works after a few times till the ache subsides, however I have no appetite left in me. Even the soup tastes bitter on my tongue. What happened? The attacks come unexpectedly these days and it makes me worry even more. Fortunately no one seems to notice since I take seats far in the corner. Nothing’s guarantee I’ll be lucky enough next time. I have to be careful.

Not even five minutes since I sit down, I back to stand up, bring along the barely untouched dishes to the return counter. I feel bad for wasting foods, but it’s nothing compared to this sickening feeling inside.

 

 

“Hello?”

“Oh, Minseok. I just call to tell you I’ll go home a little late tonight, so don’t wait for me” I try to arrange pile of documents with both hands while my shoulder keeps the phone propped against my ear.

“What time you’ll get off? I can pick you up”

“No, no, you don’t have to. Yixing will drive me home, don’t worry” I’m motioning to dismiss the nurses without interrupting our talk.

“I need to take my daily dose of Luhan, Doctor” I chuckle at that. I come to learn Minseok could be this cheesy sometimes. Nonetheless, like a high school girl falls into her first love, I feel no different.

“So greasy now, Mr. Kim?” I tease him, leaning against the chair, my finger draws random circles upon my thigh. I still feel shy whenever he did that.

“No, I’m serious. I need to see you. I miss you already”

I bite my lips, trying not to squeal. Hell, my cheeks burn. I bet he would tease me to no ends if he sees me blushing.

‘Do you start to like me now?’

He would ask a question he used to say nowadays. Either I laugh it off or smile apologetically are the answers I can give him, for now.

“Stop it, Minseok. We just meet yesterday, and it’s not even 24 hours yet” He and I both know, I enjoy his sweet talks too much. Is this what happen to you when you’re being single for too long? I wonder.

“That’s not gonna change the fact that I miss you though” the corner of my lips widen. “Have some pity on this lovestruck man, and meet me at the cafe, pretty please? Do I need to show you my ultimate aegyo skill?” I burst laughing out loud. Minseok likes to use his aegyo on me, knowing I can’t say no when he makes me laughing so much. There’s some side of him which I discover just now, albeit we’re friends for years, it’s just kinda more intimate if I can say it like that. His romantic persona, a Minseok in love.

“Fine, Mr. Lovestruck. Just don’t use your aegyo weapons on me, it kills me” I say after my laugh start to die down, leaving me a little breathless.

“Don’t die. I can’t live without you” he laughs along. Suddenly my body freezes for some reason unknown. Why do I get a feeling this isn’t just another flirty remarks when it supposes to be?

 

 

A guy who sits near by the window.

That’s what my mind labels him long before I know his name when we first met. And my subconscious self still do. Even now when we’re no longer in class talking about our own dreams, me as a dentist and him as an architect, he still sits by the window, waving at me through the glass as I approach from across the street. I wave back at him, feeling his gaze follows me until I make way inside the crowded cafe. I guess me and Minseok, like anyone else in this cafe, need their hands and stomach warmed by a cup of hot chocolate and coffee in this particular chilly day, and as for us, Americano is.

I sit across from him, then thank him for ordering my favorite. He begins to ask how my day was, and in return he tells me about his new design project before randomly commenting in witty remarks. He would always find a way to make me laugh, and I feel happy to be with Minseok. I feel alive.

“Oh! And do you remember when we got chased by Mrs. Yoo’s crazy dog after stealing her apples? You even left your shoes there, then running with bare feet” I can’t contain my laughter and tears with him keep reminding me of our foolishness in teenage years. Energetic and dumb, that was who we were.

“I can’t believe we really did it back then, Minseok” my finger wipes the tears away, still laughing in between.

“Aren’t you the mastermind of our insane plans? You were Lu-natic!” Minseok laughs heartily after remembering the stupid nickname he made for me.

“Hey! You promised not to call me with that anymore!” I slap his arm, “Yah! Kim Minseok!” He still ignores me to laugh even more. “You!” Then I move next to him to assault him with punches to his sides while he keeps cracking up. Eventually, I can’t help to laugh along.

I’m happy. And that’s what matters right now.

 

  
He walks me back to the hospital, right before my office’s door. I have one hour before my shift starts, but I know Minseok has some deadlines coming up. I don’t want to be a burden, but I wish he can stays longer, I don’t want him to go yet.

He lets out a sigh, then slowly holding my hands in between his. Minseok huffs hot breath on them, scrubbing my sandwiched hands to create a body heat friction. This is the umpteenth times I feel warmed by his sweet little gestures. “Alright. Don’t go home too late. Call me when you’ve arrived” I nod obediently.

He releases my now warm hands, ready to turn back around. “I’m going now, see you tomorrow” he waves before beaming towards me. I watch his retreating back, only to be reminded one thing’s off today.

The question.

He doesn’t ask me the question this day. I feel disappointed and wondering if I make a mistake or he simply forgets. It’s more likely the latter since I don’t remember talking about Sehun today, just in case I slip on my tongue and it upsets him, although I’ve never seen him like that whenever he’s with me. Then as though out of nowhere, the memory I saw earlier today plays on my mind, of him and the girl. His recent girlfriend perhaps? Regardless it’s true or not, I don’t want to know. I have my own relationship to focus on.

“You didn’t ask me today” I say loud enough in the empty corridor for him to stop on his tracks, and twirls to face me a few feet ahead. “What?” Confusion written all over his face. He looks cute.

Ignoring his cluelessness, I decide to proceed on. “I was going to yes today but you didn’t ask the question” I’m feigning a pout. But it seems like he takes quite long to connect the dots. I harrumph in annoyance then stalking back to my office entrance before I feel my body spins around to be crushed against Minseok sturdy ones. “Oh my god, Luhan, thank you, thank you, thank you so much” his excited voice rings on my ears. I laugh happily, winding my arms back on him as I sway around with our hugging bodies. “I thought you’re that dumb”

“So, you’ll let me pick you up later?” I take my words back. Well, he’s certainly that dumb. Isn’t it obvious?

 

 

“Lu, I swear if you didn’t come, I’ll make sure you feel my wrath” I roll my eyes, although he doesn’t see it, it’s better anyway. “Baek, I’ve said I will, okay?” I comb my fingers through my messy hairs.

“Who knows if you’re going to back out again in the last minute” I’m cackling hearing his sulky tone. Baekhyun has an upcoming performance for his drama musical next week. I can’t blame him for being paranoid now, especially when I cancelled our night out three times already. “You can beat my ass if I do”

He hums in delight from the other line, “I believe you won’t then if it’s your ass on the stake” all my irritation to be interrupted during my make-out session with my boyfriend easily replaced by utter amusement as I laugh to his cheeky reply. Only Byun Baekhyun could do that. “What the hell, Baek”

“Anyway, I’m giving you two VIP tickets, just in case you want Yixing or Kyungsoo to come along” says he. I turn silent for a moment. I don’t know how to begin to tell him about Minseok. He’s Sehun’s friend after all. And I have no idea how he feels if I’m telling him now. Either way, I should trust him. He’s my friend too, a close one, even after the divorce. He doesn’t judge me, and I’m sure this time won’t be any different.

“Actually, Baek, I have someone to come with me” My eyes wander across the room to see Minseok roams around in the kitchen preparing our dinner. “Oh? Really?” Baekhyun sounds ecstatic that had me feel bad to even hesitate to tell him in the first place. “Yeah” I smile whilst observing Minseok’s attempt to pull the burning chicken out the microwave. “We’ve been together for two months now”

I hear Baekhyun’s dramatic gasp, here is the drama queen. “Two months? How could you not tell me?” I can feel his true disappointment. But, I really can’t gauge how his reaction would be, I don’t want to lose him if somehow it doesn’t turn out good. “It’s... You know... I...”

“Lu, how many times do I have to say it? What was ever happened, it doesn’t affect on how I see you. Sure, Sehun is my friend, but you are too. I want what the best for you, for both of you. If this is the way, then I’ll accept whatever you two decided to take. And if you’ve found someone new, I’ll gladly welcome them as my friend’s newfound happiness” I nearly tear up to hear such a heavy words from Baekhyun. Strangely enough, it soothes me, giving me a reassurance that I need. “Thank you, Baekhyun. And I’m sorry, I really do” I try not to let my voice cracks.

“Awe, it’s okay, Baby. Just so you know I’ll be here whenever you need me. I can kick Sehun’s ass too if that’s what makes you happy” I’m back to chuckle lightly. I wonder how Baekhyun can make me smile so easily. “Okay, I’ll have it sent to you tomorrow. The show is on Tuesday at 6pm. And-“

“Um... Baek”

“Yes?”

I hesitate again for a second if it’s alright to ask about this, “will Sehun be there?”

“Oh, don’t you worry. I have him scheduled for my next show on Thursday. I’m capable of understanding you, don’t ever you argue me on that”

I can’t help myself from smiling. “You’re the best”

I’m sure from then on, not letting Baekhyun lose is the best decision I make so far.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

Joohyun and I, we’ve been two months into this relationship. Some of our colleagues start to notice us spending more time together. It’s more than obvious now since Joohyun stops driving her own car, instead, I’ll let her drop by to my apartment to make dinner or take-outs, before I drive her home almost everyday.

She’s been a nice girlfriend to me since this situation doesn’t allow me to do much. In return, I take her to fancy dates, bring her roses, and kiss her forehead whenever we part, yet still, I feel like something is missing.

Her silky hair feels so soft under my touch as I caress them, because I know she likes it. I don’t remember what’s the title of the movie we’re currently watching, it doesn’t like it matters, at least for me, although she asks me to choose between the two options, I’ll stick with the same answer.

‘Anything is fine to me. I’ll go with whatever you choose.’

I would say. Every time.

And when she asks me where should we watch it, she eventually decided her apartment is. I barely visit hers while she comes to mine almost on daily basis. So here I am, lounging on her leather couch with her head leaning upon my shoulder.

She seems too absorbed into the Christmas-y film whilst munching on bowl of popcorns before shifting to turn upward at me, “Sehun, ah~” a small piece of popcorn held out inches away from my mouth. I part my lips to let her plop it in. “Hun-ah, do you like drama musical?”

The male lead keeps singing like every freaking minute, I realize just now it’s a musical played on the screen. I reach for the bowl, taking a bunch within my palm. “I remember watching it twice” now the actress appears to dance along with the cassanova-like guy.

“Wendy, my cousin I’ve told about, his boyfriend will perform in Singing In The Rain next Tuesday” I’m sure the title rings a bell to me. I’ve heard it somewhere. My mind tries to recollect my memories. “I got two VIP tickets”

I give you two VIP seats. Don’t think to miss it! I’ll whack your ass if you do! See you on Thursday!

I recall Baekhyun’s words on the phone other day. It’s Baekhyun’s musical drama. I thank her inwardly for bringing the topics up, no doubt I’ll get my ass beaten soon if she didn’t. “My friend plays in the musical too, he gave me VIP pair on Thursday”

Now she sits straight up to look properly at me, “oh, really? Should we attend twice?” She looks excited at the prospect of us watching the same play two times.

“We have discussion on Thursday at 4pm, I don’t think we’ll make it on time if the show begins at 6pm” I remind her about our schedule when usually it’s the other way around. She pouts a little, “Okay then, Tuesday?”

I nod nonchalantly, “Sure, I’ll pick you up at 5?” It’s her turn to nod vigorously, it’s a cute sight I can’t help to smile. “Good, it settled then” I glance at the clock across the wall, “it’s late, I’m going home now” I say to her, proceeding to take my coat and muffler on the hanger.

“Can you... stay over?” I turn to look at her fumbling with the hem of her sweater sleeve, it’s a first gift I gave to her on the first month we dated. “I’m sorry, Irene. Maybe next time” I’ve been calling her with her nickname for a while since we’re dating. I hope my kiss on her temple could make up for it. “I’m going”

“Sehun” I feel a grasp on my arm, then back to face her. “Yeah?” I can tell by the way she looks, something troubled her mind and while she contemplates over, her eyes seems refused to contact with mine. Until they finally settle on me, she speaks up, “kiss me”

I can’t say it was unexpected of her to say that, yet neither I can say it didn’t catch me off-guard. Her beautiful orbs gleam under the dim light, shining with the same hope every time I see them. I know I can’t be the one who break it. I never kiss her, the thought never crossed my mind until right now.

Slowly, my hands are framing her small face. She’s perfectly beautiful, even without makeup on, she very well is. My eyes starts to trace her features, pale skin, small forehead, brown irises, tiny yet pointed nose, ‘till they land on those pink thin lips.

Do I want to kiss her?

Instead of answer the question, I lean my face in. Her eyes flutter close ever so slowly as my own lips inch closer to hers, shortening the little gap between us until our lips meet in a chaste kiss. Her lips so soft and warm against me, the faint sweetness of the popcorn lingers there. I can’t think of anything else but the feels of her lips. The short-lived kiss ends with Irene opening her eyes, looking through at me. I stare back only to realize, her orbs now look... empty.

Then she smiles. “Thank you, Sehun. Goodnight” she pulls herself out of my reach, subsequently leaving me alone in silence. The look in her eyes and the smile render me motionless. And suddenly I’m afraid.

I’m afraid if she finds out. If she can taste the bitter truth in one single kiss we share.

Loveless.

 

 

It’s Tuesday night. I’m waiting for Irene in the car whilst tapping my phone’s screen furiously. This is exactly what I’ve been doing since the incident which leaves me busying myself with a gadget. I have twelve games downloaded in it by now when months ago I barely had one.

I stopped going to internet cafe since I start to prepare for college, but it seems like my game-addiction was never die. I know I’m good with tactics and hand skills, that should be enough to explain why I’m becoming a top heart-surgeon.

Just one last battle until it’s level up, the passenger’s door opens. A familiar cologne invades my nostrils as I look up from the screen to find Irene still fumbling with her purse, probably checking her things before we go.

She looks stunning as ever. The black off-shoulder dress reveals her clavicles almost flawlessly. She lets her dark long hair unravels maybe because I said I prefer it that way through our phone call this afternoon. Then she turns at me, “sorry to make you waiting. I’m looking for my stilettos everywhere this whole evening, but then I remember left them off in your car last Friday.” her chuckle graces my ears as she folds the coat on her laps. “Do you still have it?”

Every time I look at her, I can’t help to be reminded of how gorgeous and perfect she is. I can hear her question, however I have my own question waiting to be answered.

How can I not love her?

“Sehun-ah?”

I jolt back hearing the sound announcing the death of my avatar. I quickly turns it off, before saying, “it’s on the trunk, I’ll get it for you” and I leave the car to retrieve the black velvet shoes then hands them to her. She thanks me briefly, thereafter crouching to put them on. From here, I can see her cleavage showing that I have to look away.

“You look beautiful tonight” this had her standstill for a moment before straightens up her body. She’s so happy that she almost glows. Her smiles seems brighter, “thank you”

I can only smile back in reply, later on maneuvering the gear to leave the carpark.

 

 

The entire ride fills with silence, save for the radio playing christmas pop in the past week. Christmas is near, so does the new year. Next year would mark 3 years, to put it simply, I’ve been living on my own. But I have Irene now. I’m glancing at her who engross in watching the passing scenery.

I met her mom once when she invites me over to dinner in a five star hotel. Upon seeing her, I know now where Irene gets her features from, they almost exactly look the same. I can finally picture Irene in her middle aged years, still elegant and beautiful, just like her.

Her father lives in America. He comes to Korea once in a while. Irene says he’ll visit for Christmas, it means it would be in a few days. And I’ll be invited to their Christmas gathering, the thought gives me a nauseous feeling somehow. Not a bad kind, yet still I feel nervous.

We arrive at the venue an half hour later, the traffic isn’t too bad than the usual today. I round the car to open the door for her. It’s a little windy tonight, better to get us inside soon as possible. “Come,” I reach her hand, pulling her along to the entrance. People almost fills half of the extravagant theater, each dress to the nines as we seem to blend in.

We’re still holding hands even when we have seated on our designated spot. Her hand feels a bit too cold that I think lacing our hands together might help. The show will run within ten minutes, and none of us say a word to each other.

“Sehun” calls she in the midst of the buzz of people around us. I hum in response, turning to give her my attention. “I don’t know if it’s right to ask you about this but...” she avoids the eye-contact again this time.

I lift my hand to her chin, aligning our gaze together. “What is it?” I say softly, hoping she would open up easily. There’s a hesitant tones in her voice, yet her stare tells me a determination on whatever she’s going to say.

“Can you take off the ring, at least for once?”

 

 

Byun Baekhyun always stunned me. Since the very first time I look at him singing in front of the class when we were six. He used to be my kind of guardian whenever other kids tried to pick on me just because I was that lonesome quiet skinny little boy.

We were something once upon a time. When I no longer a child he used to protect anymore, when my height passed a foot taller than him. We were just two young and curious high school kids, eager to try something new. And it began when I kissed him. Then I found myself liking a flat-chested boys writhing under me rather than girls with obnoxiously big boobs and buttocks.

Baekhyun was one of those popular bunch in theater club. Baekhyun loved being the center of attention, which also became the reason for us to apart. I couldn’t give him my whole attention and struggling as a medical student at the same time. We were too different in so many ways.

My lips tug upward as he bows to the thundering ovation. I feel proud of him, and I can’t help to think those old times which brings us to where we are right now. Perhaps love isn’t something we both destined for, yet it doesn’t change the friendship we had, in which I feel grateful. Baekhyun plays a major role in my life, and he’s one of the small circle of people I hold dear to my heart.

 

 

“Wendy says she’s waiting in the backstage” Irene tells me after she ends the call which presumably from her cousin. I give an acknowledging nod before she slips her hand on my arm, then ushering the way to invitees-only passage.

“Irene!”

We turns around to find a beautiful lady, by her looks probably in Irene’s age, waving in our direction. “Oh, Wendy!” Irene waves back whilst smiling at her. She marches closer towards us, and then embracing Irene in a tight hug. “I miss you so much!”

Irene giggles, “it’s about time for you to go back to Korea” she replies. They break from the hug to see each other before back to chuckle. “I’m happy to see you”

Finally realizing some other presence which is me, the girl turns at me. “Hello, you must be Sehun, correct?”

I nod whilst throwing a polite smile, “that’s me” she proffers her hand, “I’m Son Seungwan by the way, you can call me Wendy. Irene talks a lot about you” then she winks before receiving a slight nudge from Irene whose cheeks bloom red. I laugh at her playfulness, reaching for her hand to shake. By then I can tell she’s the type I’ll enjoy to be friends with.

“Where’s Oppa?” Irene asks. “He’s still with the crews, he’ll be here in a few minutes” Wendy answers, craning her neck in attempt to find her boyfriend amidst heads of people. “Ah, Sehun I heard you have a friend too as the cast?”

“Yeah, it’s Byun Baekhyun” Wendy gapes at me, “wait, you’re friends with Baekhyun?” Again I nod to reply, “we’re basically childhood friend”

“No way...” Irene chuckles beside her, “she’s Baekhyun’s fan. That’s why she sacrificed everything to come back here after eight years not coming home”

“Kyuhyun will probably kill me if you tell him. You promise you won’t tell” Irene and me laugh in unison. She’s amusing, I like her.

“Oh, that’s him. Oppa!” Wendy calls her boyfriend in the crowds. “Oh my god, he’s with Byun Baekhyun too!” She releases a restrained squeal. After seeing her reaction, I’ll make sure for Baekhyun to acknowledge his number one fan later. Then I try to look at the direction of her view. It’s not too hard to pick Kyuhyun out amongst the throng since his height makes it easier. He turns around to search the source of the calling before found us, “wendy, come right here!”

After the horde of people passing around start to decrease, I can make out the other person Wendy’s boyfriend with is Baekhyun whom too looking at us. But then I register another two faces add into the group. The blatant shock is clear as day as if I’m not suppose to be here, unwelcome. I see Luhan’s hand in between Minseok’s arm and I can’t think of anything else but a sudden pang in my chest.

“Sehun” Baekhyun takes a glance at Luhan. “Wait, wait. I’m sorry I don’t mean to be rude but aren’t you suppose to come on Thursday? Or did I give you the wrong ticket?”

It’s hard to neglect the way Minseok leans down to whisper something to Luhan, and he nods slowly in return. “I’m coming with Joohyun” Irene gives a tight smile. I can’t blame her though, everyone but Wendy and Kyuhyun can feel how awkward the situation at this moment.

“Sehun, how’re you?” I turn to Minseok who offers me a friendly smile. “Very well” My jaws clench unconsciously before smiling back without it looking like a forced one. “How about you? It has been a long time”

“Great as ever” he replies while turn to look at Luhan with the same longing I never failed to miss. I only look away. It’s none of my business now.

“It’s good that everyone knows each other!” Wendy claps her hands amusingly. She starts to introduce herself and her boyfriend. She easily lightens the atmosphere with just being oblivious which I’m thankful for. And now Baekhyun joins in to keep up with her jokes. Perhaps it’s just come in reflex to me to take a quick look at Luhan for the second times, he begins to crack a smile. It’s contagious that I feel myself break into the same expression.

“This is so fun” Wendy says after her laugh dwindles down. “Let’s have a dinner together, should we?” She suggests spontaneously in pure enthusiast. Baekhyun is the first one to chime in, “I think I’ll pass for tonight. Sorry” he scratches behind his head, oh I know when Byun Baekhyun is flustering. “Why?” Wendy whines, sporting an adorable pout. She’s certainly pleasing to the eyes, I bet Baekhyun won’t mind dating her if... well, if he’s not playing for the other team.

“I have someone waiting for me” Baekhyun says lowly, there’s a faint trace of pink on both his cheeks. Wow, this is new. Byun Baekhyun’s currently dating someone. Why he didn’t tell me yet? I want to protest but then Wendy beats it to me by humming in appreciation, a teasing smile plasters on her face. “Ah, I see”

“We’re not official yet” Baekhyun sheepishly adds. As though on cue, his phone rings. “Oh, it’s him. Gotta go now. Have fun guys, let’s catch up next time. Bye” and then he’s off through the back door, waving at us.

“Alright, I guess it left with us having a triple date, isn’t this awesome?” The girl beams whilst clinging to her lover in excitement. “Wendy, we’re sorry. I guess, Luhan and me can’t make it too” Minseok who rarely speaks finally butts in. Wendy’s face fall into disappointment once again. “Why not?”

I know Luhan feels bad for it, he tells Minseok something I can’t quite catch, they seems like arguing in very subtle way. “It’s...”

“No, it’s fine” Luhan cuts Minseok’s words mid sentence. Then his eyes wander to me for a brief second before meeting Wendy’s, a discreet exhale escapes his lips as he pulls a humble smile. “Where should we eat tonight?”

  

 

“So... Luhan, Minseok, tell me how long you guys have been together?” Wendy inquires, apparently it’s not just me who interested in this topic, for me, it’s more like curious rather than interest.

At this Minseok speaks up, his eyes sparkle every time the topic about them is brought up. “Now I can say we’re two months since last Sunday”

“Oh! Irene and Sehun is on their second month too!” Wendy chirps merrily without noticing the sudden lack of movement from Irene who sits next to her. “I’m curious as how you two met? Minseok is an architect, right? Are you guys co-worker or something?” She stabs the fork on the slab of meat Kyuhyun has chopped into tiny pieces. They surely a stereotype of couple which you could see on Korean Dramas every evening. Kyuhyun is some kind of balance to Wendy’s penchant for talking non-stop, sometimes he only talks to reprimand her girlfriend, but funny enough to deal with her sense of humor.

“We’re high school friends. And no, Luhan is a dentist” I start to feel annoyed just because Minseok keeps answering for Luhan. I’m sure he can do it himself, why should he intervene like for every damn second?

“Really?” She turns her attention fully on Luhan whose head nods as he munches on the dish. “Where you work at?”

Luhan seems reluctant to answer, it proves so when he needs a little longer to ponder over a simple question, and it’s all because of me. “Yonsei Severance Hospital”

As expected from Wendy, she brightens up, “ah, you’re in the same hospital with Irene and Sehun! You must have known each other then-“

“No”

“Yes”

Our gazes clash in a staring contest, giving one and another a ‘what do you mean’ look whilst Wendy has bewilderment written on her face, so does Kyuhyun whose eyes flitting between me and Luhan.

“No, I mean I refer my patients to Doctor Oh sometimes. But we haven’t really know each other” Luhan gives me one last glance before back focusing on his meal. I’m not supposed to feel dejected, yet it could not be helped. He doesn’t want anyone to know about our past, which mean it won’t be a surprise if soon nobody left to know who I was to Luhan or who Luhan was to me. Back like a stranger we were.

Wendy seems to buy it as she nods slowly in respond. “But I think I must have seen you somewhere” she frowns. “I’m not sure if it’s you in Baekhyun’s Instagram photo years ago and,” then her eyes settle on me. “There was Sehun” From the corner of my eyes, I can see Luhan remains stiff at her sudden guess.

“It’s...”

Suddenly the glass of wine spills on his food, down to his pants, some even manage to stain his white shirt. I stand up to take his splashed hand, using my napkin to wipe it off.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ I turn to Irene who catch my stare immediately. There’s a guilt swimming on her eyes before she turns away. I’ll make sure we talk about this later.

Minseok helps to dab a tissue on his pants and shirt. I know it’s a strange sight to behold for the couple, witnessing their cousin’s boyfriend fussing over someone else’s partner. But I couldn’t careless. I look up to find him staring at our hands, yet the closer I look, the more I realize, he’s not. “Are you okay?”

He quickly retreats his hand. He bends his head low, refusing to see anyone at the table as he stands up. “I-I’m sorry. I have to go” and turning around to leave. Minseok mutters an apology before following him to the door.

My mouth opens, almost calling his name then closes again for some better reason than to relent into my ego. I look at my hands which he previously stare at. They are bare. Bare of anything.

Like I know how they supposed to.

 

 

A different kind of silence fills the ride. It’s uncomfortable, but neither of us make an effort to talk it out. We’ve never been into a fight, hence I don’t have any idea how this would turn out.

As the car comes to a halt in front of her apartment entrance, we still remains quiet. She doesn’t seem to take the initiative soon. Then I will be.

I look ahead to the empty road. “You did it on purpose, didn’t you?”

“Sehun, it’s not like what you-“ I grip the steer tighter.

“I’m asking you, if it’s yes or not” she flinches to hear my voice raising. I clench my jaws, turning to look at her pained expression. Tears gather around her now rheumy orbs. I shouldn’t too hard on her, but she passed the line.

“Then what do you expect? Are you expecting me to keep putting on a fake smile while seeing her boyfriend looking at another man whom he’s still in love with?”

“Irene, stop putting words into my mouth”

“I’m not blind, Sehun! Stop pretending to love me when you don’t even make an effort” her face damps with tears running down on her cheeks. “You can’t let him go” she asserts in a cold tone. Not long after, brushing away the wet streaks off her face. “We should stop hurting each other. Let’s end this here” she opens the door before I can say anything.

It’s snowing heavily out there. I should be driving home now if I don’t want to get stuck in the storm. But I can’t bring myself to get moving. For minutes, I lean my forehead on the wheel, thinking about things that happened.

Why can’t I fall out of love with you?

Why? I ask myself why? Why don’t you answer, Sehun? Why?!

I hit the steer hard repeatedly until it numbs me. And still, I don’t get any answer. Tears keep falling as I feel myself break down into pieces. I’m broken, there’s no need to deny it anymore. I’m broken, and nobody’s there to fix me.

 

 

 

**Luhan**

“Are you alright?” I don’t know how many times Minseok had been asking me ever since Sehun’s sudden appearance earlier this night. He’s worrying about me even I’ve told him we’re practically work in the same place, that’s no need for him to be worry.

I only nod, hopefully a weak smile would do to assure him. “I’m just tired” I really am.

Eventually, he turns off the engine. Minseok won’t let me go until he’s sure I’m telling him the truth. “Is this about Sehun?”

Now I shift my body sideways to face him, “I don’t feel comfortable around him. That’s all” I shrug. It’s true, his presence makes me feel unsettle. The reason? I don’t know. “Trust me, okay?” I cup his face to look at me in the eye.

“You don’t love him anymore?” The question had my heart skips a beat. I laugh it off in attempt to calm my beating heart, “God, Minseok it has been two years, why are you suddenly asking me this?”

“Because I want you to marry me”

 

  
I told Yixing the other day, being the supportive friend he is, he looks so happy as though he’s the one who got proposed. He just wants me to be happy, just like everyone else.

“I can see that you’re happy with him. So, what are you waiting for?”

What am I waiting for?

Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t know what am I waiting for. Do I love him? I do. Then why can’t I just say yes?

Although Minseok had been an understanding friend. And that night was no exception. He’ll be waiting for my answer. He’s still waiting. But I can’t make him waiting forever.

The soft ding signaling a stop to a certain floor before the metal door opens, revealing the person who makes my heartbeat begins to take an erratic pace. We just stare at one another for a moment. His eyes look so down and I’m wondering what could be the reason of it. As the door start to close, I hold the button inside while he does the same from the outside.

“Thank you” he says without any trace of emotion in it, like I’m... a nobody.

He clears his throat, then taking a distinct deep breath. “I... I heard that you’re going to marry Minseok” my own breath hitch. I can’t bring myself to look at him. My eyes watching the decreasing number on the indicator. It doesn’t match with my heartbeat.

“Congratulation. I hope he makes you happy. I’m happy for you” it’s just a simple words like Kyungsoo had said, but to hear it right from him, why it hurts so bad?

The elevator dings for the second time. My heart pounds even faster as I try to focus on him through my blurry sight. Look at him, looking at me with the same unwavering gaze, only reminds me of the love we had. No matter how hard we try to kill it. It always been there, unchanging.

I believe my heart can burst out at this pace, because it hurts. This is what falling in love feels like. It feels like coming home, having Sehun holds me so tight makes my heart beats faster. My eyelids start to feel heavy, but I still want to see Sehun. He’s crying, shouting something I can’t hear. All I can hear is my own heartbeat on my ears. I slowly read what his mouth trying to say.

_Hold on, Luhan. Stay with me._

I smile at him. I’m not going anywhere anymore. I will stay. Right here, with you. Isn’t this what our heart telling to? I’m sorry to hurt you. I’m sorry to hurt both of us. When it’s time for us to reunite, nobody will feel pain. Because I always know it all along.

I love you.

 

  
I wake up to a loud steady beeps and Minseok to my side. “Luhan” he embraces me in a tight hug, kissing my hairs urgently as though he never see me.

“Where am I?” I ask him. I don’t like being in this room with a device attaches on my body. I want to go home. “We’re in Yonsei. You fainted, and you’ve been out for 3 days”

Sehun.

As if reading my mind, Minseok says softly, “Sehun was there to save you. He has been taking care of you” All the memory comes rushing back at me. I remember his face last time. And the feelings... I can’t believe it almost takes my life for me to realize.

Minseok gives me a smile, a sad one. There’s a black circle under his eyes, I wonder how long he missed his sleep. “Minseok,” he aligns his gaze on me properly. “There’s something I need to tell you” he nods, his smile never falls.

I know it’s not the right time to say this, but I don’t have much time. I just... kinda feel like I don’t. I would regret if I don’t do it now. “I can’t marry you”

For a moment I school his face, he doesn’t look surprise, hurt, or anything I expect him to be. Instead, he just caresses my hair, “it’s okay” like he happens to know long before. I would rather have Minseok yelling at me, throwing things, or anything so that I can see his true emotion

“You don’t mad at me?” I try to ask. He only chuckles in return, “why would I? I want you to be happy”

Happy.

The word forms an image of Sehun in my mind. He’s the happiness I try to find. I was too blinded by the hurt to see it right in front of me. My happiness.

“Can I kiss you?” We’ve kissed so many times that I don’t hesitate to nod my head. He kisses my forehead, then my eyes, my nose, my cheeks, and my lips. Every single kiss lingers for a long time like it supposed to be a farewell. I suddenly feel scared. I can’t shake the feeling if this is his way to say goodbye. It’s selfish of me to ask, but I can’t help it. I don’t want to lose him, again.

“Don’t leave me”

“Remember that I’ll always be with you”

Amongst all of his beautiful smile he gave to me, I’m sure this one would be engraved to my memory forever.

 

 

The next time I wake up, I feel warmth against my fingers. Turns out it’s Sehun’s breath. He holds my hand in between his whilst closing his eyes. We’re not an avid believers of god, yet to see him here praying is so... heart wrenching. He’s desperate for a miracle to happen to us, to me.

My hand reach for his face. He slowly opens his eyes to see me. “Lu,” his voice sounds hoarse, giving me a sense of reminder of how he used to sound like every time he woke up next to me in the morning. Corner of my lips pull up at that. “Hey, gorgeous. You supposed to say that” now it’s his turn to smile. “I miss you” he leans into my touch, kissing my palm. Just like Minseok, Sehun looks tired, deprived of the sleep he needs. I feel guilty to be the cause of it.

“I miss you more than you can imagine” his dreamy smile makes me laugh though, he’s a helpless romantic. I scoot to make a space for him, “sleep with me”

He raises a brow at me teasingly, “we just talk for a minute and you’re asking me to sleep with you?” I can’t help to giggle at his lame jokes. I pull his hand so he climbs the gurney. I immediately clings to his sturdy frame, breathing in his nostalgic scent I come to love. His arms carefully gather me as not to tangle them in the troublesome cables. “I like it this way” I snuggle more to place my ear on his chest, hearing his heartbeat always be my favorite lullaby. His soothing rubs on my back makes me sleepy once again. I almost fall asleep if it’s not because of the rumble from his voice against my ear. “We got you a donor”

This is a good news, right? But why his tone sounds sad? I tilt my head up, his finger comes to slip long strands behind my ears. “We’ll do the surgery tomorrow. The sooner, the better” he smiles, then sighs heavily. “I’ve called your parents and our friends too, they all would be here tomorrow.”

Everyone would be here, to witness me waking up to a new heart or no at all. The thought somehow scares me. I don’t want to leave Sehun ever again, but this time, the choice isn’t mine to make. “I don’t wanna die, Sehun” I bunch his shirt in my fist, I’m afraid of letting him go. More than anything in this world. “I wanna be with you”

Sehun is someone whose heart strongest than anyone I know. I rarely see him crying in my life. And when he’s holding back his tears for me just like now, it pains me. He’s struggling to be strong even in his lowest point. “No, I won’t let you. And you know that. My late nights to come home, our weekends to become short, I don’t want them to become nothing if it’s not all for you. I spend those days so I can be the one who deserve to save you, and no one else. I’m scared, Luhan. I’m so scared to lose you” finally those tears break out in a silent cry.

I was wrong all this time. I let him down. I only think about myself. I can’t believe how can I be so selfish. Sehun, my Sehun suffers just because of my greed. My hands look so small compared to his face within my hold, now he’s sobbing, baring his fragile self for me to see. God knows in every hard breath he takes is a punishment to have my heart speared over and over again.

“Sehun, I’m sorry. I’m sorry...” I bring my lips to kiss him deeply. It taste salty and tragic, but I can feel our love pouring into it. I let myself basking in the feeling of having him back to my arms, his lips against mine, the warmth of his body surrounding me. I miss him. Maybe more than I can imagine, too.

I might look messier than him right now, but wiping his tears off this time when he used to do it for me back then makes me feel a blossoming proud on my chest. I smile picturing him as a child after their sulking time ends. “Sehun” I realize how much I’m longing to say his name.

“If... If this would be my last time to see you in this life. I want you to be the last thing I feel, I remember, before I died” I set aside his bangs to see his face clearly, I want to imprint every part of him to my brain, feeling his features as my fingertips trace his damp face. The tears won’t stop flowing out his dull eyes, “make love to me, Sehun”

More tears escaping his eyes, the more ache I feel. As if couldn’t believing his eyes, he touches my face carefully like he’s afraid I’m going to disappear. “Luhan... Oh Luhan” he calls me softly which makes me smile. “Yes, I am”

“I love you” then he kisses me so tenderly, taking his time to shape my lips while his hand unbuttons the flimsy hospital shirt. He breaks the kiss to stare at the electrodes all over my torso, and eventually notices the pacemaker embeds near my clavicle. “Look at me” I cup his face to make him look away from the bitter truth, he looks so broken, battered by the uncertainty of our future. With our foreheads lean against each other, I whisper the only thing I can do.

Is to fix you. Just like how you fix me.

 

 

 

**Sehun**

_You’re my forever._

His last words echoing in my head, watching his serene face like he’s just sleeping for only God knows how long. The anesthetist does her work as she informs me. I nod in acknowledge, the instrumentalist passes the scalpel to my hand. I’m looking at his face for the last time before the blade incises across his chest.

Luhan was diagnosed with _Dilated Cardiomyopathy_ since he was born. He told me during our internship days, the first time I hear his special heartbeats, which now becomes my favorite amongst thousands other I've listened to in my entire career as cardiologist. For a sufferer in this case, Luhan quite impressively lives a stable life, but we—his family and relatives, including me—know better than letting our guards down. After all, he's like a ticking bomb that capable of exploding anytime, anywhere, and I'll do anything it takes in my power to never let a single mistake to happen. I don’t think I can forgive myself if I do.

I’m a heart surgeon, I’m not someone new in this field. I shouldn’t be worried. But this is Luhan. Everything should be perfect like I know it should. He must live, no matter whatever it takes. I lift up his special heart out of his body. The heart, which beats hard for me.

_It beats for you._

He once said to me whilst placed my hand upon his beating heart. It’s mine. His heart had been always belongs to me. And to see it lays lifeless within my palms feel like a part of me had gone too. The nurse opens up the container to display a new beating heart. Someone’s heart that had been belongs to Luhan, and he would wear it to love me.

I hold it up, feeling its light throbs on my grasp. Suddenly, I feel an excruciating pain attacks me.

“Sehun! Sehun, are you okay?” Junmyeon calls ring on my ears. I look back at Luhan.

I can’t move my hand.

“-is unstable! We need to hurry!”

“Sehun!”

“Sehun, please!”

“Sehun!”

_Sehun, I love you._

 

 

 

The birds are chirping. The flowers are blooming so beautifully. It’s a bright day with spring breeze blows every then and now. The green foliage dances to the passing wind, creating a soothing harmony along with the forest creature. I’m walking through the meadow to reach atop of hill where a big oak tree resides.

Under its shaded branches, a grassy mound lays peacefully. I’m smiling as I put down the baby’s breath near the black marble carvings. “It has been a long time” my fingers trace the letters one by one. “I’m sorry we couldn’t visit you last winter since the kids caught cold” I heave a sigh. The kids. They’re getting bigger day by day, and these days come a time when they tend to be a chooser, be it foods, or clothes. No wonder they caught cold though if they kept refusing to wear the muffler and mittens.

“They’ll be here in any minute. Ziyu wants to find flowers to give you, knowing Haowen, he goes with everything Ziyu’s doing. So,” I shrug my shoulder before releasing a light laughter in reminisces of the little ruckus in the car moment prior. “I’m wondering if they love you more than they love me. They didn’t even bother to give me flowers on Father’s day”

I’m gazing at the clouds above. Four years indeed had passed so fast. If I look back to the previous life I had, I still can’t believe, this is me, living my life. I’m afraid this all just a dream while I’m sleeping somewhere. “We visited your parents too. They seem happy to have the boys around on Christmas. They said they miss you, and sorry they can’t come here. I hope you understand”

From a far, I can hear the telltale of my little darlings approaching with their bumbling steps. “Appa!” Ziyu calls, waving bunch of wild flowers as he runs. “Appa!” Then Haowen parrots along with him, clutching the messier version of the bouquet, some of the petals even scattered while he’s dashing with his much shorter legs. “Here we go the troublemakers”

Not far behind them, a figure comes in sight. “No more running, baby” I smile at his tired face. He’s really something to put up with our brats.

“Did my little guys tire you this much?” I hug him as he slumps against me then kissing his temple lovingly. “Oh, please. They just take a nap during the whole journey, of course they fully charged now” I chuckle to catch him rolling his eyes.

“Uncle Minseok, I bring you the prettiest flowers!” Ziyu crouches down to put the bunch in front of the tomb. “Haowen too!” While the younger only throws the branches off, no petals left by the time he reaches the grave.

We both laugh at the cute acts. I hold his hand; identical silver bands on our finger intertwine together. “How are you, Minseok? Long time no see. Sehun and I along with the kids come to see you. We miss you so much”

I’m watching Ziyu talks animatedly about his new friends at the kindergarten, Haowen who blabbers with limited words he starts to learn. And Luhan whose smile the brightest, lighting my whole world without him realizing. I look up at the cerulean sky, hoping you could see our little family.

Thank you for everything, Minseok. Thank you for giving me a chance to love him.

Again.

 

 

 

_Dear Luhan,_

_Promise me you won’t mad at me. Everything I did is my choice. And this is my choice. To let you live. I’ve been dying twice. So I know what it feels like, wanting a life._

_The doctors tell me I have brain cancer. They referred me to take medication in Germany. I was planning to cut you out of my life, if the medication doesn’t go well, so you won’t be sad to know the death of your coward best friend. But I think God wants me to have a second chance in life, to value the meaning of life. Finally I’m living but at the same time I’m feeling like I’m not._

_I’m back to Korea after I graduated, trying to live like a normal person does. But my time is up, I’m going into relapse, the doctor confirmed the cancer recurrent. I guess I still don’t understand what life supposed to make me feel like, I’m tired, I was going to let myself die, until I meet you again that day._

_You make me want to live. You make me feel alive. I want to spend the rest of my life with you._

_When I ask for your hand, I don’t want to tell you about this yet. I don’t want you to marry me out of pity. Because I know you would do it._

_You look happy while you’re with me. But I know better when you look the happiest. And it’s when I saw you with Sehun._

_I know you so well, Luhan. You can’t lie to me. You’re still in love with him, and the way he looks at you is like this was years ago the first time you introduced him as your lover all over again._

_I love you, I always do. And you love me. We love each other, but we’re not in love. What we had is love, yet we see the love in different way._

_I’m not lying when I say, I’ll always be with you. Because this heart will be a part of me that keeps you and me alive. My heart had always been yours since the day we said hello, and it would continue till today when we said goodbye._

_Please live happily. Until we meet again, in another place, some other time, when I see you._

_  
Minseok._

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Ah, finally I made it to finish this fic~ I feel like I want to congratulate myself to work on this story even between my hectic schedules lol even after the recent event happened, I thought about dropping this prompt, and gave up on HunHan. But, I know I can’t do it just like that. I love HunHan so much. And if everyone does the same as me, then who will keep HunHan alive? I made this fanfic for you guys, my precious HunHan’s shippers out there who still willing to support HunHan till the end, I want to thank you for being there with HunHan. I love you.


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